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January 1st 2007: News Update: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE AROUND THE WORLD! MAY 2007 BRING YOU LOADS OF CASH, FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITIES TO FULFILL YOUR LIFE, LOADS OF GREAT FOOD, PERFECT HEALTH, MORE CASH, A BIT MORE FOOD AND SEX STANDING UP. I'm sorry I haven't been active over the last few weeks, I have been completely overwhelmed with work and duty. Sometimes I take too much on and I end up sleeping 3 hours a night trying to get it finished. First of all thank you to everyone who came out to the TinAngel shows. It was very touching to see so many people come out on their New Years holiday. I managed to perform the disco show and it was quite a lot of fun. The new website will be posted on Friday and I have included quite a number of new features. I am coming to the UK on January 11th to play the final UK dates of the 'Mid Life Crisis' house concert tour. I won't be doing this again for a long time so this will be your last chance to see it. Check the tour page for details. I have just received my schedule from Kate so it is up to date as of January 3rd. I have to go now and get ready for my skiing holiday in Utah. I have 4 days booked at Snowbird which I have heard is fantastic. It will be my first holiday since December 25th 1962. See you all soon f x x x
August 21st 2006: Blast from
the Past!! Ged McNamee's House, OLOFSTORP
The House Concert was really fantastic.
There is nothing to say about it apart from I had an absolute blast
and every single person in the room was exceptionally cool. It was
absolute perfection. After the show I did my usual 10,000 photos,
signed a bunch of things and talked to all the Swedish fans who
hadn't had an opportunity to see any of my shows before. When everyone
finally went home Ged stayed at his Mother in Laws house and we
all stayed at Geds. I slept like a Chinese Tennis Coach! After two or three hours we took a shower and prepared to leave for the next house concert. Ged handed us our washing with a weird look on his face. I took my freshly washed Celtic top and threw it over my head. All of a sudden I had an incredible urge to vomit. The shirt smelled like a whores handbag. I was gagging. The smell was thick and incredibly strong......like stronger than the strongest thing you can think of. I said "Ged, what the fuck have you done to my shirt?" He laughed and said "It's the first time I have ever washed clothes". You see, Catholic Ged had taken a super concentrated detergent and put about 10 gallons of it in with my shirts. It was absolutely unbearable. We had to endure it all the way to Oslo. We had the car windows open, the air turned full on, we were fanning ourselves in the back seat but still we couldn't get rid of the horrible smell. We had to throw all our clothes away because even after we had washed them again the smell remained. Infact everything that went into the wash with any of the clothes that Ged washed came out stinking like a creamy fish. It seemed as though God wanted me to smell on my trip to Sweden. I had two choices. I could stay at the Hotel and stink of Petrol and Piss or stay at Geds house and smell like a toilet smells when someone sprays air freshener after a giant 300 pound man has just shit his entire days food out. If they want to clear up the sectarian violence in Iraq they should get Ged to wash all their fucking clothes. They would all be so ill they wouldn't have the stomach to fight. Ged, apart from the fact that
you radically altered my body scent for 5 days I want you to know
that we all had such a great time at your house. It is a memory
we will always treasure. Thank you for all your support over the
years and thank you for supporting the CKDCF this year. Just do
yourself a favor mate and keep to fuck away from the washing machine.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. November 27th 2006: News Update: Hello to everyone around the world and a happy thanksgiving to you all. I'm just having a little break before getting back on the tour bus and delivering a few more house Concerts before Christmas. I will be performiong mostly in the North East until Christmas and then at the Tin Angel in Philadelphia on the 30th and 31st of December. Things are pretty cool right now and I am enjoying the break. The last leg down in the Southern States was pretty intense at times, I will let you know what happened in the write ups. Please remember to book your tickets for the Tin Angel early so you dont get locked out. It's going to be one hell of a night I assure you!!!!!! see you tomorrow. f x x x November 22nd 2006: News Update: Celtic 1 - 0 Manchester United
aaaahhhhhhh eeeeehhhhhhhh hhhhheeeeeeee aaaahhhhhhhhh Man who? Man who? To all the Man United fans who sent me incredibly nasty e mails after the last game at old Trafford, stick that in your pipe you bastards! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha eeeeehhhhhhh hhhhhaaaaaaaaa Man who? Man who? ha ha ha hee hee hee. To all the Blue Noses who sent me unbelievably nasty emails after the last game at Old Trafford, stick that up your big fat blue arses. eeeeehhaaaaa aaaaahhhhhhhhh yyyyeeeeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaaaa. I'm on holiday, life is great, Celtic have qualified, Man United are going out against Benfica, Rangers are 15 points behind Celtic in the league but may yet qualify for the Annan Working Mens Club Fish and Chips Tournament. Can someone please give Nacho Novo his Fish and Chips? This has been one of the best days of my soccer life. Watching that free kick bend sweetly into the top left corner was better than the end of Rocky 1. Watching Boruc save that ridiculous (typical Man Utd bullshit) penalty was better than watching Nakamura score the goal. To all the Celtic fans around the world, I love you and I want to have your children. We just made history. Hail Hail!
Blast From the Past!! August 19th and 20th 2006: Lars Mossin's House, Copenhagen, Denmark: Oh man! This trip certainly brings back a few memories. The first thing I should say about our expedition to Copenhagen is that I had to drive the entire journey myself because my traveling companion Steve Rowe can't drive on the right hand side of the road. He waited until we were on the ferry and then he said to me in a Wigan accent "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I can't drive in Europe". Jesus Christ Steve! So I end up being the tour coordinator, singer, guitar player and Steve Rowe's private driver/slave on his 'all expenses paid' trip around posh hotels in Europe...... and I'm sick......... really sick.
After fifteen hours we arrived very late due to the ferry and the unforgivable German road system. I dropped my bags off at Lars' Apartment and headed for the House Concert venue. The House Concert was being held at Lars' brother's apartment. Lars' brother is called Carston and his apartment is really fantastic. Even in my stupor I noticed that everyone at the house was very friendly. I was snorting Vicks Nasal Spray and drinking Lemsip trying to stop my eyes and nose from running but it was too late, I'm out of time, the concert is about to begin. This is ridiculous, I should have canceled the show. Capricorns can be such assholes sometimes! I staggered into the front room and started
singing and immediately realized that there was a full music festival
going on outside on the street. When Lars booked the House Concert
he had forgotten that there was a massive street fair complete with
a full Viking heavy metal rock band, a brass band, people screaming
drunk on the road and incredibly fast heavy metal guitar solos for
days. On top of that I noticed that there were some girls in the
front row who kept looking out of the window to the apartments across
the street. I turned around and there was a big fat guy naked in
his front room having sex. Odin Christ, and I'm only on the third
song. No wonder the Vikings wanted to leave Denmark! Its a fucking
mad house.
I woke up the next morning feeling a lot better. I think the flu had peaked and I seemed to be on the road to recovery. Erica and I went for a run around a park in Copenhagen and I sweated the flu out of my system. We hung out all day, played table tennis and ate some food. I was hoping the concert would be better tonight. In fact I was going to make damn sure that the concert was better tonight. The second night was a completely different vibe. I was feeling great and the audience was fantastic. It was more like what I was used to. I had an absolute blast and everyone seemed to have a great time. It was a full Danish Jacuzzi from start to finish.
During the past two days Lars Mossin took incredibly good care of us. Lars is a Scorpio and everyone knows I like the dark and weird types! I really loved hanging out with Lars and his family because they were the coolest. We laughed and joked and shared a few 'Genesis' stories and I really felt as though I had made a good friend. Every morning Lars would bring us breakfast Croissants and jam and make coffee. He showed us around Copenhagen and was the perfect gentleman...... if you can call Vikings gentlemen. His sincerity and kindness touched every one of us. We all loved Lars. In fact we loved Lars that much that we threatened to beat the shit out of him if he didn't stop smoking cigarettes. We want Lars to be fit and healthy so we can visit him in Copenhagen for the rest of our lives. Lars, we all think you are the greatest and your music rocks!!!!!! We all appreciate everything you did for us during our time in Copenhagen. Thank you, thank, thank you One last thing, the Danish person who invented Cheese with Prawns should be strung up by the balls and beaten with a bamboo stick until their sphincter drops out of their assholes. Prawns in Cheese ............ WRONG PROGRAM!
October 24th 2006: Richard Heath's House, Bewdley: Exhausted and beat up from the Charlie and Kathleen Dunnery Children's Fund Charity Weekend, we drove our trusted rental car another two hundred miles towards the Midlands. Our European House Concert extravaganza had finally reached the end of the line. The end of the line in this case was Richard Heath's wonderful residence in the heart of Worscester. The house was so tastefully decorated that I presumed Richard is Gay or he knows someone who is Gay............ or he's a Taurus! Either way the house was very elegant and refined. If he is Gay then something must be a little weird because Richard Heath definitely doesn't like to hug other men...... well he certainly didn't want to hug me! Maybe it was because I was covered in Snake sperm? Just Kidding! Actually, I can sympathize with Richard's boundary issues because I didn't hug anyone for years... unless I was drunk and thankfully Richard Heath was a long way from being drunk. I had heard a few rumors that Robert Plant might be showing up tonight because Bewdley is not far from Robert's home town. Sadly, he couldn't make it as he was touring in New York or something like that. It would have been nice to see him. So, Plantless, I was lead upstairs, three flights infact to a very cosy and elegant bedroom in which to warm up my blistered fingers. I was served fresh coffee on a silver tray by a pleasant and polite young girl whose name escapes me, presumably one of Richard's family members. I was feeling a little nostalgic, a little home sick and I was pondering my flight in the morning back to my home in good old New York City. I was going to see my daughter Ava. The concert itself was pretty damn cool if I say so myself. There were a couple of smart Alecs on the verge of doing 'the five tins of lager peacock' but they soon went quiet when I entered the part of my show that deals specifically with 'Shame'. I think I struck a few chords and from then on it was plain sailing. Our wonderful host Richard was incredibly polite and great fun and the night finished on a high. After the show I hung out for a while and sampled the fantastic food that Richard had prepared. I signed a bunch of CD's, took a bunch of photos and got ready to drive another three hours to our final UK resting place in Elstree, London. Richard Heath, you're a good man! Thank you for inviting me into your wonderful home. I want you to know that I appreciate your kindness and your impeccable hospitality. Please tell all your guests that I appreciate their support and good wishes. I hope you guys enjoyed the evening as much as I did. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
October 19th 2006: Andrew Brown's House, Bolton: Bolton was originally called Bolton le-Moors. A 'bolt' is a mediaeval word for an arrow and a Saxon village is called a 'tun' -thus 'bolt-tun'. The village on the moors where the arrows were made. Arrow village! Today was a really, really busy day. We set off from the Marriott Hotel in Durham around 7.00 am towards Manchester airport to pick up my good friend Tom Gerner who had flown in from the USA to support the CKDCF. The car was absolutely jam packed because we were carrying extra CDs and t shirts for our annual fundraising weekend and also because Tom is about six foot five. After we had picked up Tom from the airport we set off towards sunny Wigan to visit my old mate Steve Rowe who was a bit depressed about his up coming knee operation and the fact that he couldn't come on the tour. It was good to see Steve again and I immediately took him to the sports center to get some table tennis practice. Steve Rowe is a genius table tennis player. After I had whooped him at table tennis (I kept hitting it to the side because I knew he couldn't run) we went back to his house and ate lunch, had a shower and demolished three Mr Kippling apple pies and three cans of devonshire cream custard....... which I have been trying to run off my fat arse ever since! We then set out toward Sam Allerdice country..... Bolton Wanderers FC, home of loads of weird African guys with funny names. We pulled up outside of Andrew's house and were greeted in a typical Northern manner, warm and friendly. I noticed the Celtic shirt standing at the front door so I immediately gravitated in the direction of the green and white stripes to find out who was the owner of such good taste. It turned out to be Andrew's son. Any time there's a Celtic shirt in the crowd I immediately feel at ease. We're off to a great start! I was shuffled upstairs to the warm up room which was Andrew's son's bedroom, complete with pool table and all sorts of great stuff. I had some coffee, potted the balls, talked to a few people who were walking in and out, said hi to a six month old baby and tuned my guitar. This house defined the word 'comfortable'. I think I was in a really good mood because I was going home to Egremont after tonight's concert so everything seemed easier than normal. I was extra relaxed....... if that's how you say it? The concert was very cool and the guests were all exceptionally friendly so I had a fantastic time. We all sat with a baby monitor to make sure the six month old baby didn't awaken. The presence of Andrews son also made sure that my foul mouth was kept down to a minimum. Everytime I felt the word 'fucking hell' or 'bastard' begin to rise like vomit from my esophagus, I looked down to my right to the innocent smiley face in a Celtic shirt. The Catholic guilt forced me to swallow the evil back down into my stomach. It was another one of those nights where everything went exceptionally well. The entire evening was trouble free. No assholes, no drunks, everyone participated and made me feel extremely welcome. Perfect. On the way out Andrew introduced me to a lady at the front door and said "This is my wife". I said "What do you mean this is your wife"? Andrew, Jesus Christ, I cannot believe you didn't introduce me to your wife until I was leaving. What's with all you Male House Concert Hosts? You always leave your wives and girlfriends out of the picture. Anyway, after saying a brief goodnight to Andrews wife ( I can't believe I just spent four hours in someone's house and I didn't get introduced to them) we jumped into the car and drove off in to the sunset..... well, it was actually a force nine gale that was hammering Northern England at the time. Mrs. Brown, I want to thank you for inviting me into your home. I had such a wonderful time. I was made to feel welcome from the moment I stepped out of the car until I left your driveway. Thank you for opening up your Jacuzzi. Andrew, thank you for all the great vibes and gifts, I had an absolute blast. Bolton Wanderers Football Club may have lost their 'Northern Lads' identity but playing a House Concert in the 'Browns' front room proved that the residents haven't lost any of their good old fashioned Northern Hospitality. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
November 14th 2006: News Update : Greetings from Knoxville, Tennessee. We had a rare day off yesterday and so we went to the movies to see Borat which was absolutely hysterical. You HAVE to go see it. The USA shows have been going really well and I have made some new friends along the way which is always nice. This is really just a quick message to let everyone know that there are new House Concerts posted in the Concert section and also some new testimonials from previous House Concert Hosts. The charity page also has a new message. I am in the process of finishing up the UK write ups and they should be posted later today or early tomorrow. We have a four hour journey to Lexington, Kentucky tomorrow (we are staying with friends) so I will begin the difficult task of writing about the first European dates. I have been making preparations for the THE BRAND NEW DISCO BALL ELECTRIC GUITAR SHOW, smoke machines, lights, projectors etc. I want to make it a really fun night out where everyone can scream and shout and dance in the aisles! I think I may even have a game of bingo in the middle of the show! Also, as an added bonus there will be two spare open microphones on the stage as I will be inviting people up to sing backing vocals at certain points in the show. I don't think there will be any subtleties to this show, just balls to the wall so make sure you come to the 7.00 pm show if you want soft acoustic music. OK, my sisters just called from UK, got to go! See you all really soon. f x x x October 18th 2006: John Lynn's House, Thornaby: Look, I have to be honest here. John Lynn has supported my work for so long and with such intensity that no matter what happened tonight I was going to give him a fantastic write up. Even if he had tipped a full bucket of fish heads over my Celtic shirt I would still have said "Yeah, but John was going through a hard time". He could have tried to strangle me with a piece of barbed wire and I would have found a place in my heart to forgive him. He could have screamed drunken insults throughout my concert and still I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. But when I found out that John and his pal Kevin had both took a shit in an active birds nest in John's garden and videod the entire thing, I had finally reached my limit. "That poor bird" I thought "and all those poor chicks hatching into the world covered in all that shit". Actually John, some of the stuff on that DVD you gave me was a lot worse than shitting on a birds nest. Pretty far out! Tell your friend Kevin I know a good Priest he can talk to! What can say? This was probably the most intense House Concert of the entire tour. Perfection. I have known John Lynn for ages and we have become pretty good friends over the years so I knew he would deliver on the House Concert. And deliver he did! The guests were perfect, the food was great, his girlfriend Sue was very charming, the house was great and all the guests were hand picked. There wasn't one asshole in the room..... well, I was there so I suppose thats debatable! I was enjoying myself so much that I played for nearly three hours and the audience participated the whole night long. Great stuff. There's nothing much more to say about tonight because it was 'full Jacuzzi' that's why I have to invent things about John and Kevin shitting in a birds nest. Actually, I don't know what made me think of that? I must be a bit depressed. You have got to be out of your mind to even think of someone shitting in a birds nest. Maybe its me that should see the Priest? FD: "Please Father here are my sins...... I made things up about two blokes shitting in an active birds nest". Priest: "Its OK my Son, I made
things up about me liking women when infact I am screaming Gay". FD: "Its OK Father, you should come out now and announce yourself to the world. Its not healthy to deny who you are. Gay is a good thing if that's who you are! Gay is the best you can be. Gay is good and normal and has been around longer than the Evangelical Party. If Gay was wrong God/Nature wouldn't have created it. Everything in this world is a mind painting, an expression of the painter. Gay is the perfect way for you to get to know yourself." Priest: "Should I tell my Lesbian friends that they should come out also?" FD: "Of course Father, the Nuns will be happier not having to wear all that fucking head gear. Lesbian is good and normal and belongs in our world. I was raised by Gays and Lesbians like yourself all my life and I have turned out to be a decent human being. Gays and Lesbians taught me good solid values. Granted some of the Lesbians got a bit masculine at times and beat us up but nevertheless I still consider myself an honest decent human being. All my Catholic friends are good solid decent human beings also, all of us raised and educated by Gays and Lesbians. My whole family ate, drank, laughed and cried with Gays and Lesbians for as long as I can remember. We have all confided in Gays in this confessional box since we were nine years old. Now do yourself a favor, take off that fucking dog collar and go and have yourself a good shag". Priest: Thank you my son, I think I will". I don't know what any of this has got to do with John Lynn's House Concert. It must have been some night if I am resorting to this! John, I want to thank you for your friendship
over the years. I deeply appreciate your support. Thank you for
all the gifts you gave me and thank you for showing up at all those
concerts hundreds of miles from your home. I think you are mad but
I appreciate it none the less. Good luck with your new girlfriend
and soon wife to be Sue. And last but by no means least, keep away
from that Kevin, I know it was him who got you to shit in that birds
nest. He's a bad influence on you!!!!!
October 17th 2006: Richard Hurst's House, Darlington: Darlington began as a Saxon village. It first appeared in writing in the early 11th century when it was called Dearthingtun. Its name was probably originally Deornoth ing tun. Deaornoth was man. The word 'ing' meant belonging to and tun meant farm or hamlet. So it was the estate belonging to Deaornoth. We were traveling to the estate belonging to Deaornoth with a journalist called Roger who was writing a piece for the West Cumbrian Evening News about my part in my own downfall! I was hoping that since Roger hadn't experienced a house concert before, Richard Hurst's house (it was actually his Aunts house) could provide the perfect introduction and give him something positive to write about. After an hour long drive from our base camp in wonderful Durham City we arrived at Richard's place in the estate belonging to Deaornoth and were met by a friendly if not slightly shy Richard. He shuffled me upstairs and quickly went back down to his guests so unfortunatly I didn't really get a chance to hang out with him. It's a sad fact that many of the House Concert Hosts feel like they should leave me alone when I arrive at their house when in actual fact I really do enjoy talking with them before the show. Since Richard had done a runner I talked instead to my mate Mac who had come over from Middlesborough and of course to our traveling journalist Roger. Earlier in the day I had visited Durham Cathedral and inside the West wing there was a display that said 'The Virgin Mary Chapel' or something like that. I knew from my school days that Protestants don't believe in the Virgin Mary (come to think of it neither do I) so I wondered what it was doing there. I walked up to one of the Cathedral assistants, an old guy about 70 years old and I said "I noticed that you have some Virgin Mary stuff in the West wing of the Cathedral. Does that mean that this place used to be a Catholic Cathedral?". He looked at me with a warm smile and in a very soft, happy, giggling voice replied "Oh yes, ha ha, but Henry the Eighth, hee hee, soon put a stop to that". So I head butted him in the face, knocked him to the floor and got my mate Mac to pull his pants down and fuck him right there on the spot..... I know, I Know. I'm disgusting. Speaking of fucking, the concert itself went very smoothly and everyone was exceptionally warm and friendly. One thing I did notice is that there was an elderly couple at the back of the room and the old guy was a Gemini. He was pissing himself laughing all night but his wife was looking at me like I was the Anti Christ. My dissapproval rating was lower than George Bush! I finished the concert and unfortunately for my readers, everyone had a great time. It's damn hard to write this stuff when everything goes so smoothly. The most endearing thing that I saw all evening was Richard's Aunt carrying a tray of freshly brewed tea around the room and in perfect British tradition offered everyone she encountered a cup of tea. She was like the Protestant Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. So, after a quick cuppa and some of Mrs Doyles 'killer cake' I realized it was time to leave the estate belonging to Deaornoth. On the way home, Roger our traveling journalist said he had a fantastic time and I have since seen his write up which was very favorable. Which means Richard that you provided a wonderful environment for your house concert, that your guests were all brilliant, that the atmosphere was warm and friendly and the tea and cake were top notch. I want to thank you for inviting me into your home and providing a great atmosphere for the House Concert. I want to thank all your guests for coming along and participating like good sports. I had a great time and even though I didn't get to hang out with you as much as I would have liked, please know that I appreciate your hospitality and kindness. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, one final word Richard, if you ever go to Durham Cathedral and see an old guy walking around with a broken nose and a sore arse, tell him Francis and Mac said "Hi".
October 15th 2006: Neil Gallagher 's House, Sheffield: The City of Sheffield is a wonderful place if you own a Navigation system. The City of Sheffield is also the proud owner of a vicious 'one way traffic' system that can make you absolutely insane, suicidal even, especially if the local government decide to resurface the City's entire road system for ten years straight. Hence, we arrive in Sheffield! The City of Sheffield is also the home of the famous Crucible Theater where the greatest names in Snooker meet annually to contest the bragging rights to the Snooker World Championships. (For all the Americans reading this, Snooker is like Pool for Grown Ups!) And last but by no means least, The City of Sheffield has two football teams, both of them are crap. Sheffield does have a fantastic Marriot Hotel with great food and service and the locals are incredibly friendly. Sheffielders (if that's what you call them) are mostly very nice people despite their traffic system. They also have an incredibly strong local beer called 'Roger and Out' which I pissed the bed with about 18 years ago. Oh, and Def Leppard were born here. The City of Sheffield is so named because of its origins in a field on the River Sheaf that runs through the city. After 2 hours of driving around 'The Good City of Sheffield' begging Jesus, Allah and the dwarfs from Time Bandits to help us find our way, we eventually pulled into Neil Gallaghers Courtyard. It looked like an old shitty industrial factory but was actually an old shitty industrial factory that had been renovated into trendy apartment buildings by persons of taste. Our wonderful Host Neil came down to meet us and gave me a big, warm hug and told me he was a Capricorn which is always a good thing! Neil Gallagher is a real decent bloke....... with trendy silver glasses....... and an even trendier bald head! Standing next to Neil I quickly realized that I dress like a bit fat Geek. I thought "Here I stand, in the Heart of Sheffields Art-land and I look like a Pub Crawler from Warsaw". (Have you ever seen a Pub crawler from Warsaw?) The setting for the concert was also very cool. Open brickwork, swirling metal stairs in the living room, Industrial, open plan. There were Celtic sweatshirts, Celtic mugs and Gemini sauce!!!! This house had it all. The guests matched the premises. They were all very cool people. In fact I was the only Geek in there! They should have thrown my arse out of there as soon as I arrived. "Get out, you big fat Geeky bastard". they should've said "We don't want you here". But they didn't. They were actually incredibly polite and supportive. Neil's girlfriend Helen had made some fantastic Leo food (which is better than the ordinary food that all the other signs make) and the night was a tremendous success. You can always tell when the House Concerts go well because I have to write about other things to make the piece interesting. If I told the truth the write up would say 'Arrived at Neil and Helen's apartment, Neil and Helen were totally cool, the guests were fantastic and friendly, I had a genius time, shot a Bear in the chest and face and went home' or words to that effect. The truth is that the night couldn't have gone any better if we had tried! Thank you Neil and Helen for all your gifts and support. Thank you for providing an exceptional atmosphere for a House Concert. Thank you for your warm hospitality and friendship. I would also like to say a big thank you to all the guests who came along and participated in the Jacuzzi. I consider myself very fortunate to have such wonderful people supporting me in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
October 14th 2006: HAMMER PRODUCTS PRESENT..........Andy Simon's House, Cleethorpes: It's no great secret that 'House Concert Hosts' love to get a great write up on this website! Since I started publishing these write ups the hits on my site have increased by about 10,000 hits a day, probably from the House Concert Hosts themselves reading what I write about them! The last question I hear as I leave their house is usually "Are we going to get a good write up?". Consequently, House Concert Hosts always seem terrified when I arrive on their doorstep. I don't know why they get so stressed out because I am an extremely low maintenance type of guy and so is every member of my wonderful world wide team who travel around with me. Give me a cup of coffee and some naked pictures of your family and .... just kidding........ about the coffee! When it comes to being a member of an audience, Andy Simon and I have a lot in common. Like me, Andy gets pissed off when people talk loud at concerts, especially talking about stuff that has nothing to do with the show. I remember going to see David Sylvian at Hammersmith Odeon and this big bloke in the seat in front of me (who was drunk) would not stop talking. He was intimidating everyone around him. David Sylvian fans are not really known for their aggressive tendencies so everyone just let him carry on! I swallowed it for about 30 minutes and then my 'inner violent Catholic' reached over the seat, grabbed him by the arm and said "Hey, you fucking big fat rude bastard, if you don't shut to fuck up I will personally drag you outside and kick your fat arse up and down Hammersmith high street". Needless to say he got very scared and walked out. I know I was incredibly rude but so was he. How selfish can you get when 4000 people are trying to hear their favorite artist sing and this twat thinks everyone wants to hear him talk about what he did last night with his friends. Andy Simon agrees with me on this issue except for the violent parts because he's a Pisces! Actually, so is David Sylvian! It became apparent after about fifteen minutes into the show that Andy Simon had scared the shit out of his guests! So much so that when I walked out into the living room and started singing everyone responded like I was Saddam Hussein. "Viva El Presidente" they shouted "May God be with you Sadamm" they screamed. This was the most respectful audience I have ever had.... ever....... in the history of my career. I don't know what Andy had said to them but it sure as hell worked wonders. Even the Geminis were paying attention. Anyway, let it be said that all the people in Andy Simon's house were incredibly cool. They participated in the evening. The show was perfect, the house was perfect, Andy and his wife Rochelle were perfect and the coffee was perfect. Its one of those nights when everything went perfect. Even my 'dead' Father showed up from the other side and flickered a few lights during 'Through My Fathers Eyes'. After the show I hung around, signed some CD's and had my photo taken with everyone in the house. It really was a fantastic night. Andy and Rochelle, I want you to know that I deeply appreciate all your hospitality and kindness. I had a wonderful time in your house and your guests were absolutely superb. Thank you so much for all my wonderful gifts and thank you for creating a perfect atmosphere for a House Concert. A tremendous evening of fun and frolics in the Jacuzzi with Saddam Hussein. Viva El Presidente! Viva El Andy! Viva El Rochelle! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
October 13th 2006: Carl and Liz Waltho's House, Congleton: I suppose the majority of people who like my songs are between the ages of twenty five and fifty five. I don't get a lot of kids at my concerts because obviously I'm not seventeen years old and I don't have big tits..... well, err, lets just say I'm not seventeen years old! You can imagine how surprised I was when I walked into this house and the first four rows looked like Monday morning at playschool. Jesus Christ, I'm going to have to try and explain the mid life crisis to a bunch of kids who probably don't even know who Donny Osmond is..... or Rod Stewart..... or even Nirvana (yes folks, Nirvana happened about 15 years ago). It's going to be an interesting night! Welcome to the Waltho's 'new side of the house'. Carl and Liz Waltho absolutely love music. They have three kids and one of them is a seventeen year old son called Luke. Carl and Liz are both extremely dedicated to Luke's musical career. Carl is a Virgo and a builder and Liz is an Aries so you put the two of them together and you get Precision Bombing! I think they should change the name of their house to Precision Bombing, it would make a great postal address! I first met young Luke when he was about eight years old. He has attended my concerts with his parents (Carl and Liz) for years. He also plays guitar like a demon...... and he's a Scorpio so I liked him right away. I feel a bit protective of him because any child prodigy tends to be valued for what they do and not for who they are. I always like to let Luke know that he's perfect even without his guitar playing, that he's a great kid in his own right. Luke is also responsible for turning all his young seventeen year old friends onto my music. The room was absolutely perfect for a house concert and Carl had actually built the room to house the show (it's true, he actually built a full addition to the house). The decor was fantastic and Both Carl and Liz had gone to amazing lengths to make me feel welcome. From the green and white balloons to the candle display and everything in between, the whole family were exceptionally friendly and warm. I was glad to see that Carl hadn't been 'boozing it up' because after he has had about 8 pints he normally starts asking me if I would let Luke take over lead vocals for 6 songs or could I call up Robert Plant and ask him to take Luke out on tour. A good solid Northern Lad is 'Our Carl' so long as you keep him away from the Tetleys and the Rugby League! I haven't had a drink or a Rugby League game for about fifteen years now so I know what I'm talking about. The concert was fantastic and Carl's Virgo precision and attention to detail became apparent real early on. Everything went incredibly smoothly. I had never played to such a young audience before and after spending the last year playing to 'the golden oldies' like myself it was a welcome relief. I really had a great time and the audience were genius, even the golden oldies were genius! After the concert had finished I hung around and had a few pictures taken and talked to all the guests who were very funny and friendly. One young seventeen year old guy came up to me afterwards and said " Fucking hell, you have got me fucking thinking like fuck". I laughed my socks off! As I said earlier, Carl had been so kind not to have any alcoholic drinks while I was performing but now the gig was finished he was preparing himself for some precision bombing. After six lightning cans of Stella Artouis and a cup of warm Brandy watered down with some liquid Heroin, Carl just couldn't contain himself any longer. " Why don't you ask some of your friends in the music industry if they want a guitar player, here's Luke's new CD, give it to Robert Plant or Michael Owen". I took the CD and gave them all a big hug and prepared to leave. We pulled out of the driveway and popped the CD into the player and Luke and his band came blasting through the car speakers playing faster than the fastest thing you can think of. Great stuff guys. These are the type people who have been supporting me for years. You often wonder who these people are in real life. All these wonderful personalities. All that warmth. All them years. It really gets me thinking. How fantastic that a family would go to those lengths to support me in my life. Amazing! Carl and Liz, I absolutely loved my time in your house. I appreciate everything you guys did to make the evening a tremendous success. I will always remember my night singing in the 'new side of the house'. I sincerely appreciate all your support throughout all those years. A full on Jacuzzi from start to finish. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh Carl, just one more thing..... I have a tape that I want you to listen to and if you like it I want you to give it to Jimmy Page or Cyril Regis. I'm building a new house soon Carl and I have your number..... PAYBACK TIME!!!!!!!!!
October 11th 2006: Dean and Fay Bishton's House, Shrewsbury: The old English saying "I haven't got a pot to piss in" is derived from 12th century social values. Apparently, piss was a very valuable commodity in those days and could be sold to 'those in need of piss' for reasonable sums of money. So when a 12th century peasant had no piss he was considered to be poor....... but when a 12th century peasant didn't even 'have a pot to piss in' he was considered to be incredibly poor. 'Piss poor' infact. Meet Dean Bishtons information service! I remember Shrewsbury from my time in nearby Oswestry when I recorded the 'Man' album at Phil Beaumont's Forge studios. Its a nice little place full of medieval undertones, almost to the point where you can imagine that the residents dress up as Knights and Damsels in distress when all the outsiders go home. Naturally my curiosity was tweaked. I caught myself observing Dean and his Aquarian wife Fay for any signs that they were itching to dress up and cover themselves in piss. I noticed Dean was running to the toilet quite a lot and Fay soon followed. Could they really be acting out the old Shrewsbury tradition? Is this water sports at its most basic level? I found out Dean is a Taurus and I know Taurus's love cash. I visited the toilet and I checked under the toilet bowl to see if Dean was siphoning off my piss and the piss of all his guests. It was a beautiful house and must have cost them a bob or two, maybe they were paying for it with my piss! If Dean was getting good cash for my piss then I wanted in on it. I was lead into my warm up room by Dean and Fay who were incredibly nice and smiley people (it's amazing what piss will do for your happiness). They had been living at this residence for less than three weeks so the house was still pretty new to them. Dean kept on apologizing for the old paint and furniture that was left behind from the previous owners. "I'm sorry for the bathroom" he said. Personally I thought the house was fantastic. I'm not coming to critique the hosts aesthetic tastes, I'm coming to sing a few songs and make people think! How come everyone starts decorating when they host a house concert? It reminded me of an e mail that my sister received from a guy called John Lynn in the North East who said "Francis Dunnery must think everyone's house smells of fresh paint". The concert itself was truly excellent and Deans guests were extremely friendly and responsive. Everyone of them took part in the evening and sang along ........well, all except........ Enter the 'Swear Police'. The Swear Police were sitting on the sofa. They were probably in their late fifties and looked very straight laced, hyper Protestant. The type of women who would cook mince pies for the priest. A bit like Church Lady from Saturday Night Live. The Swear Police didn't move one inch the whole night apart from when I swore.... which was all night! They were 'tutting' and 'oohhing' and writing notes so they could bring charges against me in the Shrewsbury Medieval, religious courtrooms. "Mr Francis Dunnery, you said 'FUCK' three hundred and sixty seven times, 'FECK' five hundred and twenty nine times, BASTARD four hundred and forty six times and VAGINA twice. You are hereby sentenced to hand over all your piss for the next three years". Were they taking the piss? VAGINA isn't even a swear word. The night came to a close and I hung around and met all the guests who were extremely cool. The Swear Police came up to me afterwards in the kitchen and said "Yo Muthafucker, you is my bitch , you young twat bitch muthafucker". I realize now that the swear police were observing me and taking notes because they were looking for new swear words. They were later found upstairs in the bedroom with an 18 year old guy snorting cocaine from his ass cheeks. Who says Protestants don't know how to have fun? Dean and Fay, I want to thank you for all your hospitality and great fun, I had an absolute blast in Shrewsbury. Please tell all your gusts that I appreciate their participation. I also wanted to thank you for the great Taurean gifts you gave to me, I haven't smelled that good after a shave in years!!!! An absolutely brilliant night in medieval Shrewsbury in a Jacuzzi full of piss. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
October 11th 2006: Chris and Rose Smalley's House, Great Yarmouth: Ahhhaaaaa! I couldn't resist it. I just had to do it. Even though I was in Great Yarmouth, it was close enough to Norwich to compel me to make Alan Partridge sounds. I love Alan Partridge. I think it's a brilliant piece of comedic writing and acting. I always watch it on the Virgin Airlines Entertainment when I'm crossing the Atlantic but I haven't had the time to get the box set yet. I have Blackadder, The Young Ones and Father Ted and I have watched them until I'm blue in the face......... actually that's a bit 'Rangers' for me. Lets just say I watch them all the time. I will never be blue in the face! Last nights house guests in Colchester told me that the people of Great Yarmouth were a little strange. Coming from people as strange as the people from Colchester I thought I was in for a terrible night. The Colchestarians or Colcheterites said that the people of Great Yarmouth had webbed feet! I didn't actually see their feet but I found them to be anything but strange. They were actually extremely friendly....... in a webbed feet kind of way. I remember East Anglia because of the 70's TV Quiz show 'Sale of the Century' with Nicholas Parsons. A cracking piece of programming with exotic prizes like a week in Spain for one! Chris Smalley is a gentleman musician and his wife is a youthful looking Taurus Lady with great shaped eye brows, almost like Egyptian hieroglyphs. I actually interpreted her hieroglyph eyebrows and they said "Give me Sex, food and money" which are all vital components of a Taurus's life. Chris sent me a bio about his whole family which I thought was fantastic. Kate is twelve years old, Matt is seventeen, Chris and Rose are fifty one, they have been married for twenty years. Chris and Matt are both Sagittarians and Kate and Rose are both Taurus. The whole family are musicians. You've heard of the Partidge family, well these guys are so close to Norwich that they should be called The 'Alan' Partidge Family! Unfortunately for all our 'excitement craving' readers, Chris and Rose hosted the perfect house concert. Sober, polite and respectful guests, great coffee, great food, really friendly and incredibly supportive. It was a truly relaxing evening for me although I'm not sure whether the guests found it that way. Most people leave my House Concert performances a mixture of elated, perplexed and deeply disturbed. Many of them have nightmares for the next four nights. Speaking of perplexed, there was a guy in the front row who seemed extremely keen to interact with me during the first 20 minutes of the show and he looked and acted like a Gemini. (Poor Geminis, it's so hard for them to sit still for 90 minutes) I popped the question "Are you a Gemini?" I asked. He looked at me like I had two heads (like him) and said "Yes I am a Gemini, how did you know that? That is really spooky". I never heard a peep from him after that. He looked miffed and confused for the rest of the evening, trying to figure out how I knew. I could hear him thinking "What the fuck?". I saw him at the end of the concert, he was standing in a corner by himself facing the wall saying "how did he know?" over and over! The truth is that it is easy to spot Geminis in the audience. They are usually the ones who fidget and talk to their friends. They are the ones who are bored shitless after about 3 songs and who really wished they hadn't attended after thirty minutes. I usually encourage the Hosts to keep the Geminis by the exit door so they can move around! The night finished as smoothly as it started and I had a great time hanging out with the guests. I signed all the CD's and took some photos before leaving to go back to Norwich to the hotel. I was secretly hoping that I would be staying at the Alan Partidge hotel but the Marriott Hotel in Norwich is actually a beautiful health club and spa with golf and great restaurants. My time in East Anglia was very pleasant indeed and I will remember it well. It's actually a very beautiful part of the England. Chris and Rose, I want to thank you for providing a perfect environment for a house concert and for taking care of us so well. I would also like to thank Chris for giving me the football book and his 'Patto' CD. I hadn't heard those songs for a long, long time and it is now the staple diet in the car on the way to gigs. I LOVE the CD. Thank you also to all the guests who were nothing short of delightful and great fun. A perfect, relaxing evening amongst friends in an East Anglia Jacuzzi. Thank you, thank you, thank you............. Ahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
October 10th 2006: Steve Bryant and Carl Scott's House, Colchester: The Romans invaded Britain in 43 AD and they built a fort in a piece of high ground in about 44 AD. The fort was surrounded by a ditch and an earth rampart with a wooden palisade on top. This is Steve Bryant and Carl Scotts House........errrm..... I think it is actually Melenie's House? I've never done a Gay House Concert before although I have noticed a Gay theme creeping in throughout this months House concerts. I don't think I'm Gay but I'll do anything if there's money involved! Maybe I'm starting to get in touch with my feminine side? You will notice that many of the House Concerts have men's names listed as the Host, yet when I arrive at the house I always find out that it was the women who have done most of the work. I was confused? Steve had a wife called Mel yet he was hosting a House Concert with Carl....... and Mel did all the organizing! Either Mel is very sympathetic to Steve's feminine side or Steve's 'Aries bull in a china shop' is a little too over developed to see it may upset his wife? A very interesting scenario indeed! We were greeted by Steve and Mel (not Carl) in a very friendly manner and I recognized Steve immediately from an earlier house concert...... David Baalham's I think? We were actually a little late due to traffic congestion in London so I took my jacket off, put my guitar on and the concert was ready to go almost immediately. I didn't even have time for a coffee from Steve's coffee contraption. Steve had broken the coffee pot (Aries) and had laid out a bunch of utensils, almost like one of those IQ tests on the Krypton Factor where you have to figure out how to put it together. I was never any good at that sort of stuff so I left the 18 piece coffee pot alone! The concert itself was really great and uplifting..... at least for me it was! I recognized a bunch of old friends in the crowd from earlier House Concerts so I felt very comfortable indeed. I remember Steve's 'lover' Carl from David Baalhams house and a few other of the guests from my past. I was also pleased to see House Concert extra - ordinaire Mr David Baalham sitting at the back singing along ( I wonder if he ever managed to hit on that Swedish girl?). Unfortunately for all our 50,000 readers, the night ran so smoothly and there were no major glitches or weird vibes to report. Everyone was sober, attentive and supportive of the evening and chatted along with me all night in the most respectful and fun sort of way. It was Jacuzzi night from the first minute to the last. Our readers don't like it when things go too smoothly, they say its boring! They want action, they want assholes in the crowd making me feel terrible and upsetting my natural flow. They want drunks and arrogance (I think I used to be good at that?). Me personally, give me smoothly every night! I don't want to end up in court for grievous bodily harm to an asshole! (that doesn't sound very good does it?) Some guy on the couch requested that I play 'Plastic Dreamer' from my It Bites days and then started crying from a heavy case of nostalgia when I sang the first verse. Don't worry my friend, I get like that every time I hear 'Rubber bullets' by 10cc. Carl requested YMCA by the Village People and Steve insisted in 'Say Hello, Wave Goodbye' by Marc Almond. Both were crying buckets. After the show Steve and Carl told me how they were investing in some foreign property together with a bunch of their other Male friends. Steve said they needed a place where they could get away from all the pressures of life and have a joint household where they could party down and spend quality time together. (Jesus Christ Steve, Does Mel know about this?) Steve asked me if I would like to join him and his friends for a joint investment..... Well, it's the first time I've heard it called that! I have never had a joint investment before..... I always wondered if it would hurt?` In all seriousness, I would like to say to Steve and Mel (and Carl) that I had a fantastic time in their home and I found all of them to be great fun. I felt at home in your warmth and humor. I appreciate all the hospitality and all the great vibes in the house. I will never forget the 18 piece coffee set competition for as long as I live, the crying, the laughing, the food and the merry time had by all. a wonderful night in a Jacuzzi full of tears...... Thank you, thank you, thank you...............Now, about that joint investment?
October 8th 2006: Mark Remmington's House, Romford, Essex: Romford has been a market town since 1247 on the line of the old Roman road from London to Colchester. The town has been associated with a ford over a small stream which flows through it, now known as the River Rom. Romford is first recorded in 1177 as Romfort, which is formed from 'ru-m' and 'ford' and means "the wide or spacious ford". There's not a lot of history in Romford. I suppose I should mention at some point that these House Concert write ups are my own personal perception of the evening. I got an e mail today from one of the house concert attendees who said that I had been harsh on the guests from last night in Ilford and they had actually had a great time. Maybe I was a little harsh but that was how I felt. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to express how I feel on any given night. All the people from Ilford were incredibly nice after the show.... they were just a weird bunch during my performance. Like I said in the write up, it was a tale of two halves! In contrast I pulled up outside of Mark Remmington's house and was 'love' ambushed by Mark and his family. I stepped out of the car and got a huge hug from Mark, his daughter had a Celtic top on, the house was decorated in green and white stripes, the benches that Mark had actually built specially for the House Concert were green and white and the carpet I stood on for my performance was green and white stripes. The coffee was delivered with a huge smile, Mark was genius and basically we were molly coddled from the second we got there until we left. And to give you an idea of how cool Mark Remmington really is, he's not even a Celtic fan, he's a Cockney Geezer but supports Man Utd! God Bless Ya Mark Me Old Mucker!!!!! Personally speaking, these are the type of nights that I love. There's just something magical that happens when everyone is locked into the same vibe. I can actually feel the energy go right through my body when the whole room is ONE BIG MUSH. It's fantastic. The show went superbly well, everyone sang along, everyone was present for the whole evening and I was having a great time. I asked Mark what he wanted for a request and he said 'Suppers Ready' which I would have happily played if I had known it. Sorry Mark, I only know the beginning. If you had said "Back in NYC' from The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway I could have given you a great acoustic version in 7/8. After the show, a very nice lady came up to me and asked my to autograph her ass! She said she had an appointment at the tattooist the very next day to have my autograph tattooed permanently on her ass. I naturally declined. I can't let someone tattoo my name on their ass! I would have guilt for the rest of my life. I have a Liverpool football club tattooed on my arm. I did it myself with some ink and a sewing needle when I was about 11 years old and I have regretted it ever since. There's no way I am going to graffiti this poor ladies body with permanent scars, it would be the worst thing I could imagine doing to someone....... apart from buying them a Season Ticket to Ibrox. She looked really sad when I said "No" in fact she had tears in her eyes but I'm really sorry, I don't want to make anyone sad but I cannot bring myself to do such a thing. Now, your husbands ass is another thing!!!!!!! just kidding. Mark Remmington and his family are a bunch of Diamond Geezers! I want to thank them for their wonderful warmth and incredibly genorous hospitality. I would also like to thank all their guests for singing along, laughing, crying and generally taking an active role in the evening. Romford may not have much history to speak of, but with people as cool as the Remmingtons, who needs History? (in my best cockney accent) Skatebowds? Fing of the parst! Fank you, fank you, fank you....... John!
October 7th 2006: Ayman Khwaja's House, Ilford, Essex: Around Saxon times existed the hamlet of Ilefort. This name is in the Doomsday Book. It may have been known as Hile-ford as it was a ford in the River Hile, which is now the River Roding. You wouldn't believe it but elephants, rhinos, tigers and wolves once inhabited Ilford. In fact, one of the best specimens of a mammoth with its huge tusks were found in Ilford. But that was rather a long time ago. This is a tale of two halves... read on. Ayman Khwaja is an incredibly sweet young girl, you can see it in her face. I think she's about 21. She organized this House Concert as a thank you gift for her drama teacher (Maria) because she wanted to let her know how much she appreciated Maria's talents as an acting coach. Personally, I think this shows just how caring an individual Ayman Khwaja is. I meet Ayman at the door of her house and she took me upstairs to my warm up room. Like most young girls there were pictures of Beyonce on the walls and loads of happy photographs of Ayman and her friends. Ayman has absolutely no history with me at all so she must have felt pretty weird letting a six foot five Celtic fan with a guitar take over her tiny bedroom for the evening. How surreal. I entered the living room to begin my performance to a luke warm reception and I was immediately nervous of the energy of the individuals in the house. I started talking and no one responded to my monologue. It was incredibly quiet. Everyone just sat there looking at me. They gave me nothing. There was no meeting of souls like all the other House Concerts. No one was giving anything. Not a sausage. I now know what it must feel like for a comedian when the audience doesn't respond to certain lines that have always gotten a response on other nights. Quite frankly, you feel like a real asshole. I feel like an asshole at the best of times but with this sort of reinforcement I REALLY felt like an asshole. The room was actually in two halves. To my right was the light side and on my left was the dark side. Everytime I looked to the dark side everyone was incredibly miserable. I thought they hated me. They glared at me throughout. They responded to nothing. They didn't sing along. They glared at me from chastising eyes. They peered around the corner and their looks said it all. "We don't want you here" they said. "We don't like you" they said. I struggled through my performance and began to turn more and more to my right away from the uninviting dark side. One of the guys on the dark side was an Ian Brown look alike complete with trainers, feathercut hair and Adidas jacket zipped up to the chin. He looked like Noel from Oasis or one of those type of guys. He had the bad boys of rock down to a Tee. He sat slumped in an obnoxious pose on a chair (exactly like Noel or Ian Brown) and proceeded to suck the energy from the room. I looked over to him and said "I actually played with Ian Brown for a while". He gave me one of those 'John Lennon' snide faces and said "Oh yeah, Prove it". Judging by the power of his performance I think Ayman should have asked the 'Ian Brown look alike guy' for acting lessons because he was fucking brilliant. He was playing his role like a Motherfucker. Sadly, behind his adopted personality lies a sweet, talented young Aries guy who doesn't realize his own importance in the world. He doesn't realize how incredibly special he is in his own right. He has taken to pretending to be someone else because he cannot see his own beauty. I remember doing that myself. It took me years to begin to be able to see myself. I borrowed bits from everyone's personality because I had no idea who I was. I still have remnants left over now after all those years of acting. "Don't get too wrapped up in someone
else's style, It'll change in while" The dark side became so distant that I focused solely on Maria and her husband and the other people on the light side who were actually beginning to give me a little of their energy. I had finally opened a pocket of warmth on the light side. A young Catholic girl on the floor was one of my main friends, she talked to me and gave me some feedback. I felt like the hunchback of Notre Damn "Water, she gave me water". By this time the Light side was beginning to get used to my presence (the concert was nearly over) and I realized I only had a few minutes left. I finished my last song and the applause had stopped before I even got out of the room (about 4.5 seconds). I ran upstairs, sat down on Ayman's bed and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I can remember a House Concert in Liverpool that was similar to this one. I think it was my second UK house concert. The weird thing is that on both occasions the same people who had been dark and distant during my performance, all of a sudden turned into the nicest, chattiest people you could ever hope to meet when I came out to meet everyone after the show. It was as if they had brought another audience into the house for the after show party. They were all incredibly nice. Real sweet, friendly, talkative, giving people. Even the Ian Brown lookalike guy came up a said "Hey man that was really cool". I nearly had a fucking heart attack. Maria was fantastic in her role as chief peacemaker (Libran) and her Sagittarian sister (who had glared at me from the darkness all night) all of a sudden became supportive of my writings on my website. (You know, the one about Men ....... the one that made 5000 women go out of their minds). "I don't think you were against women" she said. Wow, this was really an eye opener. I'm now standing in Ayman's front room feeling very confused. Did they actually enjoy it? I would have put money on it that it was the worst night of their lives. So, there we have it. My wonderful experience in Ilford, Essex. There was so much stuff going on I could write for hours about it. I suppose that is the strength of the evening. It brought up so many things for me that I wouldn't be able to get from anywhere else. The light and dark, the Ian Brown lookalike guy, the awkwardness I felt, the sweetness of Ayman, the young Catholic girl who I was so grateful for and a host of other personal things that are too numerous to mention. It really was a fascinating evening for so many different reasons. On most of the House Concerts many of the guests tell me that they learned a great deal about themselves from my monologue but tonight it was my turn to learn some stuff about myself. And learn I did! Thank you to Ayman and all her guests for delivering me from evil. Phew! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
October 6th 2006: Steve and Jane Tilling's House, Swindon: The name Swindon is derived from the Saxon words 'swine dun' meaning pig hill or the hill where pigs were bred. The first sewers were laid in 1866 (before that people used cess pits). But these early sewers simply emptied into a ditch. In 1872 a sewage farm was built. The first public toilets in Swindon opened in 1877. In the 19th century New Swindon was dirty and unsanitary. There were outbreaks of cholera, typhus and smallpox. If this introduction is anything to go by it looks like I'm going to be covered in shit before the nights out! I love to find out the meanings behind the names of the old towns in England. My own hometown 'Egremont" comes from the French word 'Egre' which means 'sorrow' and 'mont' which means 'mound'. Thus I was born on the 'Mound of Sorrow'. Scotland's national football stadium 'Ham-den' Park is similar to Swindon in that it was the place where they kept pigs. They have since moved it to Ibrox! Our host Steve had been in a flap all day. He was very nervous that he wouldn't get a good write up on my website. Erica always calls the Hosts on the day of the concert to make sure everything is going smoothly and also to go over the House Concert guidelines to check that everything has been done to make the House Concert a huge success. We actually do this for the Hosts sake so they have a great time. I think poor Steve thought we were on his case. (We do this at all the House Concerts Steve). I pulled up outside the house and I was met by Steve and Jane who were very welcoming and friendly. I went up to the warm up room and hung out with them for 15 minutes so they wouldn't be so nervous. It turns out that Steve and Jane are really nice people. Jane is a Pisces and Steve is a Taurus. I was feeling great and Steve looked relieved. I really loved this concert. It was perfect. Everything was right and the vibe in the room was super. From the vibe to the food, Steve and Jane nailed it in one. A perfect night with perfect guests. These are the type of nights we should video and send out to future hosts so they know what the vibe is like. It really was a flawless evening. This concert was extra special for me because some of the people from the Welsh House Concerts had made their way over to Swindon so it was like meeting old friends. Andy and Tracey and Simon and Sharon were there and a few other familiar Welsh faces that I cannot remember their names right now. Unfortunately, when the House Concerts go this well there isn't much to write about. All I can say is that I had an absolute fantastic time in the 'Pig Hill' and I think everyone in the room did also. Oh, I nearly forgot, Steve gave me some of his music on CD at the end of the night and it was really excellent. Well written, well produced and well performed. Good stuff Steve, keep up the great work! I want to thank Steve and Jane for all the gifts and for the wonderful atmosphere that they created. I would also like to thank all their guests who attended and made the evening so special for me. An absolute 'stonking' night in a ham filled Jacuzzi. If this is what Pig Shit is like then count me in! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
October 5th 2006: Steve and Deb Farrell's House, Waterlooville: We pulled up outside the house in Waterlooville and I looked up and I shouted "Steeeeve". I know this guy, it's my official photographer! I didn't realize that his last name was Farrell. I had met Steve at several other House Concerts that he had attended where he proceeded to take 50,000 pictures of me. He was the guy who sang along all night at Craig's House Concert ( the S&M Hotel guy) and then both he and Craig came to Ian and Vanessa's (African Children) House Concert in Southampton and pissed everyone off by singing loudly all night. I like Steve Farell, he's a good solid bloke. He's a Scorpio and after I spend time alone with Scorpios I always trust them. Steve and Deb's house is one of those houses where the bedroom walls slope down diagonally from the ceiling to the wall, almost like the bedroom was in the attic. They have little window boxes sticking up out of the roof. That means that if you are tall like me, you run the risk of banging your head a lot. I ran into the bathroom to relieve myself after a two hour journey and realized that I couldn't stand up straight next to the toilet because the wall sloped upwards from the toilet to the middle of the ceiling. I could sit down I suppose but that would make me pee like a woman. It suddenly dawned on me..... if I do a limbo dance whilst holding my 'tackle' I could pee standing up. I leaned back, tackle in hand and started humming a bit of Samba to make it easier to get lower. When I was almost horizontal I looked down by body, aimed and fired successfully into the toilet. I stood up straight feeling very pleased with myself and dripped all down my pants leg. Great! I'm going to stand up in a house full of people with pee all down my leg! I had a great time at the concert singing for Steve, Deb and his family but I was constantly distracted by the amount of times the two guys on my right went to the toilet. At least I think that is where they were going? At one point I thought they were having Gay sex in the toilet because they kept getting up and going out together. That's one of the worst problems with alcohol at House concerts. For some reason, alcohol makes you want to pee all the time so after a while there are 30 or 40 people constantly standing up going to the kitchen for more alcohol and then five minutes later getting up to pee. At one point I thought I was in Tescos! However, Steve and his family stayed with me the whole evening and just behind him was Craig and Claire ( the S&M Hotel Guy) and Ian and Vanessa (African 13 year olds from the Congo) so I aimed my performance at those guys. After the two Gay Sex Toilet Guys got up for the 6th time I started looking for friends in the room so I wouldn't get distracted. It seemed like every time I got some energy happening, the two Gay Sex Toilet Guys stood up and carried the energy out of the room, had a good shag in the toilet and then came back in with a can of Guiness and a sweat on! I was looking for friends. Steve's sons were directly in front of me and they were with me all night. Also, there were some very friendly guys who had came over from the Isle of Wight and they were really supportive ....oh, and the guy who said he would have sex with a Nun! So, to cut a long story short we had a fantastic night with loads of action and Gay sex. I finished the evening and spent an hour hanging out with the guests which was great and I made some new friends. Steve took another 50,000 photos and was his usual charming self. Steve's wife Deb seemed to be on police duty making sure everything ran smoothly and did a damn fine job! I would like to thank Steve, Deb and all the Farrells for being a great family unit. One of the few family's where the boys have a close relationship with their Father ( I know he's been manipulating you for years guys but thats normal behavior for Scorpios). It's all Good Stuff. I appreciate all your support, not just from tonight but also from all the House Concerts you guys attended over the past few months. Your kind words and encouragement mean a lot to me and I want you all to know that I appreciate it. Thank you for your wonderful hospitality and all the gifts you gave for the charity event. And Steve, I would just like to say one last thing before I go....... please tell the Gay Sex Toilet Guys that George Michael is in a toilet in London, not in Waterlooville! God Bless you and all your family! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
October 4th 2006: Julia Bowle's House, Forest Gate, London: Just when I thought that my House Concert in Spain playing to Rangers and Hibs fans in a Celtic top was the weirdest experience of my life, along comes Julia Bowle's House? Actually it wasn't a house. Well it sort of was a house but....... inside the house was a full Jamaican Reggae Blues Nightclub run by a Jamaican guy call Bee Bee. So Julia Bowle's house actually turned out to be 'Bee Bee's Funky Reggae Party House' with Curried Goat and Chicken wings spicy enough to melt the Jamaican Glaciers. (I know there are no Glaciers in Jamaica, they've all melted.) I had been recording all day with Dorie Jackson at Pete Townsend's studios in Twickenham and I realized that I wouldn't be able to take the car across London at 6.00 pm because of the London traffic gridlock so I asked Julia's husband Anthony to pick me up at Stratford Train Station..... which he so very kindly obliged. We pulled up outside Bee Bee's Funky Reggae Party House and I was introduced to Bee Bee who was a wonderful man. I could tell by the way he hugged me that he didn't have much to hide...... unlike me who was trying to hide the fact that I had to pee so bad that I was walking like John Cleese. I settled into the warm up room which was Bee Bee's office and Julia got me a great cup of coffee. She looked very nervous. Julia is a Scorpio so she was observing me. She was monitoring my emotional undercurrents trying to figure out if I was happy with the venue. I don't know why people get nervous when I come to their home. No..... let me re phrase that, I don't know why people get nervous when I come to their 'Funky Reggae Party House' because I'm actually very low maintenance. A cup of coffee and a bit of respect when I'm performing. And that is exactly what I got tonight from Julia and Anthony. Although the room was too big for an un-amplified acoustic session the concert actually went fantastically well. We had some good 'natural' disturbances like the trains that went past every 3 minutes, the Bee Bee's Reggae music that burst through the speakers during one of my quite songs, Bee Bee was taking phone calls at the bar and Jews were a'sneezing. No one was being disrespectful. No one was steaming drunk. Everyone was taking part in the evening. And because of the time an effort that Anthony and Julia put into their 'Funky Reggae Party House' I had an absolute blast. All the guests were very friendly and under these sort of relaxed circumstances it's actually very easy to have a great night no matter what. After the show I had my picture taken about 7000 times and Bee Bee had laid out some of his Extra Special Hot Tangy Super Duper Funky Reggae Goat Curry. I was very, very tempted to try some but I was too busy speaking to everyone. Everyone tucked into the fantastic food and drank loads of water to get rid of the sting in their mouth........ however, I'm now glad that I didn't eat any of Bee Bee's Super Duper Spicy Hot Funky Mama Goat Curry because by the time this article goes to print, the sting will have traveled all the way from everyone's mouth, right down to their assholes. When someone asks them what they thought of the Francis Dunnery House Concert they will say "The music was great but the experience nearly destroyed my arse lining". Anthony and Julia, I want to thank you for all the time and effort you put into to making this night a special one. I saw what you did and I appreciate it. I would also like to thank all your guests for being such great sports and I hope everyone had as much fun as I did. And for all those people who dared to eat Bee Bee's Extra Special Hot Tangy Super Duper Funky Reggae Goat Curry, I hear that if you fill a condom up with water and put it in the freezer for four hours, you can shove it up your ass when it has frozen and get a little relief! A brilliant night in a Jamaican Jacuzzi! Thank you, thank you, thank you
September 30th 2006: Philippe and Gaelle Claerhout's House, Estillac, France: J'ai marché dehors dans la salle avant de Philippe et de Gaelle, regardée les assistances françaises dans l'oeil et dite.... "jardin de La de dans d'est de Bruno, cabriolet de La de le dans de causerie de le, bleu de sacrum, Le Joan d'arc, Viva le France et Henry de Thierry". Je l'avais entendu par la vigne que le Français ignorera complètement n'importe qui qui n'essaye pas au moins de parler français ainsi j'ai pensé que j'améliorerais l'élasticité il un essai. Les Français sont presque aussi mauvais que le Gallois pour leur haine de l'anglais ainsi j'étais conduite assez nerveuse à Estillac. Je pensais que j'allais révéler à cette maison et ils seraient tout habillés vers le haut de comme l'abus de cri de Napoleon à moi dans un accent français "Eengleesh Peeg, Eengleesh Peeg". Mais il ne pourrait pas avoir été autre de la vérité. Nous sommes arrivés dans un déluge torrentiel et pendant que je faisais un pas hors de la voiture que j'ai été rencontré par Philippe qui m'a très poliment remis un grand parapluie ainsi je pourrais arriver à la maison sans noyade. J'ai marché dans ma salle de préchauffage et il y avait de café fantastique, les pruneaux couverts par chocolat, une fiole de confiture de pruneau (Philippe, vous me pensez suis constipated ?) et une boîte de le pâté de canard cher. La maison était extrêmement amicale et le vibe était fantastique. La première chose que j'ai notée au sujet de la soirée était que personne n'a été bu et chacun était là pour participer. Afin de garantir un concert réussi de Chambre, Philippe avait interdit l'alcool jusqu'à la fin de mon exécution. C'est un soulagement énorme quand je révèle à quelqu'un la maison et les trouve tout sobres. Je l'aime. Nous avons eu les interprètes français pour ceux qui ne pourraient pas parler anglais et nous avons fini vers le haut d'avoir une des meilleures nuits sur la jambe européenne de l'excursion..... et donné les nuits brillantes que nous avons eues au cours des dernières semaines, celui est un joli grand compliment. Il me stupéfie simplement comment l'universel les 'mi crises de la vie est réellement. Il semble que chacun peut se relier derrière à ce que je parle. Me voici au milieu de la France avec un groupe d'étrangers que je n'ai avant jamais vus et nous tous avoir quelque chose en commun. Le concert est venu à une fin et je suis allé de nouveau à ma pièce de préchauffage de refroidir dehors pendant cinq minutes. Quand j'ai sorti pour rencontrer tous les invités, Fillip m'a indiqué qu'il a voulu me montrer quelque chose. Il a demandé "sont vous gai?" et j'ai répondu l'"non, mais je peux être s'il y a argent impliqué". Il m'a ramené à sa pièce de musique et m'a montré sa collection record. Je pense qu'il a eu chaque CD simple et enregistre que j'avais jamais joué dessus, y compris des importations, choisit, 12 pouces choisit, les aspects etc.. d'invité. Il était vraiment étonnant pour que je voie toute la substance que j'avais fait au cours des années. Il est assez impressionnant et je ne l'avais jamais vu dans un morceau ! J'ai eu un temps vraiment merveilleux en France et c'est des mercis à Philippe, à Gaelle et à tous les invités fantastiques qui étaient tous tellement extrêmement polis et sorte à moi cette nuit orageuse foncée. Peut-être il était parce que c'était la dernière nuit en Europe que j'étais si sentimental ou peut-être c'était la bonté que j'ai été montré jusqu'ici loin de la maison ? Après que tous les concerts de Chambre que je m'ai exécuté commence à obtenir un certain sens de la profondeur de l'appréciation qui peuplent ont pour mon travail et il touche extrêmement. J'entends les histoires des personnes par rapport à mon travail et I 'haut bon 'un peu. Je n'ai pas su que ma musique a fait affecter cette sorte de sur des personnes. Il est vrai que j'aie reçu quelques courrier vraiment grands de e au cours des années mais personnes de regarder dans l'oeil dans leurs propres maisons, écoutant elles expliquez quel moyen de CD's et de chansons à elles accable tout à fait d'une manière gentille. Je me suis réuni ainsi beaucoup de personnes incroyablement gentilles qu'il est étonnant. Et Philippe, Gaelle et tous leurs invités étaient un exemple classique de de ce que je parle. Philippe et Gaelle, merci tellement de votre chaleur et hospitalité. Vous avez fait mon temps en France et la merveilleuse. J'espère sincèrement que nous nous réunissons encore à l'avenir et disons svp tous vos invités que j'apprécie profondément leur bonté. Une nuit brillante dans 'Le jacuzzi de Francais. Merci, merci, merci Translation For The Eeengleesh Peegs I walked out into Philippe and Gaelle's front room, looked the French audience in the eye and said.... "Bruno est dans la jardin, le chat le dans la chaise, sacra blue, Le Joan of Arc, Viva le France and Thierry Henry". I had heard it through the grapevine that the French will completely ignore anyone who doesn't at least attempt to speak French so I thought I'd better give it a try. The French are nearly as bad as the Welsh for their hatred of the English so I was pretty nervous driving to Estillac. I was thinking that I was going to show up at this house and they would all be dressed up as Napoleon shouting abuse at me in a French accent "Eengleesh Peeg, Eengleesh Peeg". But it couldn't have been further from the truth. We arrived in a torrential downpour and as I stepped out of the car I was met by Philippe who very politely handed me a large umbrella so I could get to the house without drowning. I walked into my warm up room and there was fantastic coffee, chocolate covered prunes, a jar of Prune jam (Philippe, do you think I am constipated?) and a tin of expensive Duck Pate. The house was extremely friendly and the vibe was fantastic. The first thing I noticed about the evening was that no one was drunk and everyone was there to participate. In order to guarantee a successful House Concert, Philippe had banned alcohol until the end of my performance. It's a huge relief when I show up at someone's house and find them all sober. I love it. We had French interpreters for those who couldn't speak English and we ended up having one of the best nights on the European leg of the tour..... and given the brilliant nights we have had over the last few weeks, that is a pretty big compliment. It simply amazes me how universal the 'Mid Life Crisis' actually is. It seems everyone can relate to what I am talking about. Here I am in the middle of France with a bunch of strangers who I have never seen before and we all have something in common. The concert came to a close and I went back to my warm up room to chill out for five minutes. When I came out to meet all the guests, Philippe told me he wanted to show me something. He asked "Are you Gay?" and I replied "No, but I can be if there's money involved". He took me back to his music room and showed me his record collection. I think he had every single CD and Record that I had ever played on, including imports, singles, 12 inch singles, guest appearances etc. It was really amazing for me to see all the stuff that I had done over the years. It's pretty impressive and I had never seen it in one lump! We had a really wonderful time in France and that is thanks to Philippe, Gaelle and all the fantastic guests who were all so extremely polite and kind to us on that dark stormy night. Maybe it was because it was the last night in Europe that I was so sentimental or maybe it was the kindness that I was shown so far away from home? After all the House Concerts I have performed I am beginning to get some sense of the depth of appreciation that people have for my work and it's extremely touching. I hear people's stories in relation to my work and I 'well up' a bit. I didn't know my music had that sort of affect on people. It's true that I have received some really great e mails over the years but looking people in the eye in their own homes, listening to them explain what CD's and songs mean to them is quite overwhelming in a nice way. I have met so many incredibly nice people it is amazing. And Philippe, Gaelle and all their guests were a classic example of what I am talking about. Philippe and Gaelle, thank you so much for
your warmth and hospitality. You made our time in France and wonderful
one. I sincerely hope we meet again in the future and please tell
all your guests we deeply appreciate their Kindness. A brilliant
night in 'Le Jacuzzi de Francais'.
September 29th 2006: Enrique Silvela's House, Madrid, Spain: We departed from Alicante across the flat, baked plains of 'Middle Spain' and believe it or not the rain in Spain actually did fall mainly on the plain! We arrived four or five hours later in the great city of Madrid, home of David Beckham, his wife and Real Madrid Football Club. Madrid definitely has an edge, it actually feels a bit like New York City only the feeling is in Spanish. We followed Tom (navigation system) all the way to a quiet suburban street in the middle of Madrid's daily hustle and bustle and were met by the ever so friendly face of Enrique Silvela, our host for the evening. Enrique Silvela is a very, very smart man. After weeks of planning, he wanted his House Concert to be a huge success so he did the smart thing and totally banned alcohol until after the show was over. He realized that his guests could actually drink water, coke, orange juice, apple juice, Pepsi, sparkling water, tea, coffee and an assortment of other soft drinks and still manage to stay alive. Enrique had read the write ups of the other house concerts and realized that the only thing that seemed to spoil House Concerts is alcohol. As a result of Enrique Silvela's smart thinking, his house concert was a massive success. His guests had a fantastic time, I had a fantastic time and more importantly Enrique Silvela and his wife had a fantastic time. No one was drunk, no one was half drunk, everyone had their hearts open and the night was superb. First class, top notch. I really have nothing more to say about the matter because it was such an excellent night. It really was an incredibly enjoyable evening. I ate a bit of the food Enrique and his wife had prepared, talked to the guests about football and then we packed our things and drove 3 hours North to the town of Burgos. And when I finally put my head down on the pillow and my consciousness started to drift off into the land of Nod, I thought to myself "What a lucky bastard I am to know and meet all these fantastic people who are so nice to me. How wonderful to be accepted for what I am". It truly was a great day. I would like to sincerely thank Enrique and his wife for inviting me to Madrid and creating such a fantastic vibe. I would also like to thank all the people who showed up for the Concert and contributed to the fantastic atmosphere. Welcome to the wonderful city of Madrid, home of David Beckham........ actually no, how about 'home of Enrique Silvela, his wife and Athletico Madrid'. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
September 27th 2006: Garry Nicol's House, Alicante, Spain: The sun is shining, the birds are singing ( and I don't mean women), we are eating amazing food, our friends Andrew and Timothy have loaned us their fantastic apartment for a few days and the beaches are killer. It's paradise. Even better, we find out that tonight's house concert is only ten minutes away so we don't have to drive 200 miles to get there. Life is good. We pull up to the house and we are warmly met by Garry (Taurus) who looked a little nervous but he's a Scottish Catholic and the Scottish Catholics should be a little nervous. They've been on edge since 1547 AD! I'm then introduced to Gary's wife Tracey who is full of smiles and has a much more committed hug than Garry (sorry Gary) and we are off to a great start. I feel extremely comfortable because we are about the same age with the same upbringing so I know these people very well, if you know what I mean? Then, just as I'm getting comfortable with a great cup of coffee Garry drops the bombshell. "We're all Hibs fans" he said. I nearly spit my coffee over him "The next thing you'll be telling me is that the house is full of Rangers fans" I joked. Garry shuffled his feet a bit and said "erm, as a matter of fact there are quite a few Rangers fans in tonight". So there you have it, the scene is set. I'm playing a House Concert to Hibs and Rangers fans......in Spain..... with a Celtic top on. You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried! The musical part of the evening went pretty well. It wasn't the most fulfilling night I've had as I could feel that dark tinge of alcohol in the air from some of Garry and Tracey's guests. But to be quite honest I didn't care because Garry and Tracey were so cool that I just sang the concert mainly for them and the other people who weren't 'on their way' if you get my drift. Don't get me wrong, no one was rude or weird but any artist will tell you, you cannot keep the attention of someone's soul when they have had a few drinks. Somehow, they aren't really quite with you any more. I got the feeling that I was keeping some of them from their party which made me rush the performance. When the concert was over I actually had a great time talking to Garry and Tracey, so good infact that I forgot to go out and hang with the guests to sign Cd's. I think over all it was a pretty cool night and it was great to be with people from my own background. Garry, Tracey and their two sons were totally cool apart from the fact that they support Hibs and Middlesborough. To be quite honest, hanging out with those guys made the night for me. All of a sudden I wasn't a million miles from home. We talked football, Catholic school, The North of England, playing in bands and a whole bunch of other stuff. I was supposed to meet someone for dinner at 11.00 pm but I gargled on so much that I was late. Gary and Tracey, you guys rule. I really appreciate
you inviting me into your home and your hospitality was fantastic.
Now I know where to go for my next holiday in Spain! I'm coming
to your house. Garry, just one last thing...... for fuck sake stop
that kid of yours supporting Middlesborough and buy him a Celtic
top, even Catholics have to win sometimes!!!!!
September 24th 2006: Andrea Stagni's House, Bazzano, Italy: Andrea Stagni doesn't live in a normal house. Andrea Stagni's house wouldn't look out of place in Francis Fort Coppolla's classic Mafia movie 'The Godfather'. The place is elegantly majestic with horses and vineyards. Andrea Stagni's 'house' is a beautiful old Italian Villa decorated in 16th Century Italian art. The main hall looks like an Art Gallery. The house or Villa is stunningly beautiful and if I was gay I would try to date Andrea Stagni so that I could live there with him.......... although I'm sure his girlfriend Benedetta would have something to say about that! We were met at the huge Gateway by Andrea who looked fabulously Italian, like the Bazzano James Bond, and after a brief introduction he led us through the main hallway past an impressive 16th century painting (who we both agreed looked like Richie Blackmore) and into my warm up room. I was then greeted by the wonderful smiling face of Benedetta who was co hosting the House Concert with Andrea. I knew we were going to have a great night because I could feel the warmth in the house. Andrea and Bendetta decided to hold the concert in one of the many beautiful marble floored rooms that were a part of the house. Andrea lit a log fire to take the emphasis off the fact that the guests didn't know what the fuck I was talking about ... I'm just kidding, amazingly most of the guests spoke fluent English. The log fire set the vibe and the acoustics were really amazing. The guests were absolutely fantastic. They were all Catholics except for one guy from New Zealand! We quickly baptized him so he would fit in and got him his own set of Rosary beads. I really feel blessed to be able to do this House Concert thing. I'm having the time of my life. I never realized when I started playing House Concerts just how much I would enjoy them. It wasn't how I saw myself. To be quite honest, when I first started doing this back in the USA I only planned on playing about eight House Concerts in total ......... mainly for something different to do! I would like to thank Andrea and Benedetta for inviting me to Bazzano. I had a wonderful time and I even got to sample some of the best food in the world in Bologna. Also, I played your CD and I loved it. I thought 'I Braccialetti' is really beautiful. I think a fantastic idea for you guys would be to re invent all the old Catholic hymns (like you did with 'Stella Splendens') and make it folk music (with real instruments) and sing them in Italian! It would be fantastic! Please tell all your friends who came to the concert that I deeply appreciate their support and if you ever need a horse trainer you know who to call! A tremendous night in a tremendous house with a tremendous bunch of people. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
September 22nd 2006: Robert Kraufopf's House, Darmstadt, Germany: Robert Kraufopt and his wife are two of the nicest people you would hope to meet. They are smiling people, great energy and from the minute we pulled up in the car to the second we departed, Robert and his wife were incredibly polite and kind. The environment they provided was perfect and all their guests were polite and took part in the evening. I actually had a great time. Again, just like last night everything went very smoothly and apart from the poor girl who tried to play drums with me during 'chocolate heart' (I'm sorry I had to ask you to stop, I speed up and slow down all the time and your timing was too good for me!!!) I had a flawless evening. Over the past few months I have been fortunate enough to receive many wonderful gifts from many of the House Concert Hosts and their friends. I have been given Celtic shirts, Celtic tickets, scarfs, badges, Coffee, a Looking Glass, loads of different football shirts, books, pens, cards, letters CD's and a ton of other things that are too numerous to mention. I thought I had seen it all until last night. I say this because last night one of Robert's best friends gave me a life size rubber 'blue ear'. A blue what? yes, that's right, a rubber blue ear! I'm sitting writing this in the car while driving over the stunningly beautiful Swiss Alps and I'm still trying to figure out what to do with a rubber blue ear? Should I lick it? Maybe I should put it on a chain and hang it around my balls? How about I give it to my daughter Ava? No, she'll probably start crying because it is a particularly disturbing, life sized, rubber blue ear. I know what I will do. I will send it to (my Niece) Stacey's Rangers supporting boyfriend to match his big fat blue nose. A stinking, big, fat, blue ear for a stinking, big, fat, blue nose. If anyone has a big, fat, stinking, blue ass hole that they don't need please could you also send it to him because he's going to need one after this weekends result. Perfect. Job well done. I would like to thank Robert and his wife for inviting me into their home and extending their friendship to me. I really appreciate all the effort you guys put in to make the evening a tremendous success. And if you ever have any use for a life sized rubber blue ear please do not hesitate to give me a call. A fantastic night. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
September 21st 2006: Peter Schulz House, Darmstadt, Germany: I remember Peter Schulz and his team of cameramen from David Balhaams house in the UK. Peter travels with his own film crew and they seem to document every second of Peter's life! I think they are re-making the Trueman Show for German television. These guys actually traveled all the way from Darmstadt to see a house concert in Daventry, England and I thought they were all mad! Well, I guess that makes two of us Peter because I traveled all the way to Darmstadt to see you! I was feeling much calmer tonight because we didn't have so far to travel and the Hotel was modern and clean........... with a screwed up Internet service, hence the broken news page for the last 2 days. Actually, there was a fire drill the moment we arrived and the treadmill broke in the Gym so I still hadn't managed to get the Demons away. Other than that, I was clean, showered, warm, fed, watered and happy. The sun was shining and the traffic was moving ........ eerrr....... slowly but at least it was moving. I arrived at Peters house and was instantly filmed by Peters private cameraman who followed me from the car to the stairs, into the toilet and back to the warm up room. Good coffee, great vibe. Peter hosted the Concert in a tiny little tight room which always makes for an intimate evening. No one can zone out or escape in a small room, everyone is forced to take part...... even the poor Gemini guy who was right at the front bored shitless. ( I'm sorry Gemini guy, I know you should have been at the back where you could have wandered around and talked to someone about box girder bridges and chicken wire). The House Concert went fantastically well and I had a really great time from start to finish. It was one of those nights that just went really smoothly and everyone was polite and emotionally present. I found out that the German word for 'Snow White' is 'Steam Schnitzell' and I also found a German Male who admitted to 'baby talking' his girlfriend. Last night I asked Uli's male guests if they baby talked their girlfriends and they all looked at me like they had shit their pants and said "Nein". Peters guests were honest about doing it. Peter and his guests were a genius bunch and with our energy levels riding high, we drove off into the sunset, actually we drove off to the nearest MacDonalds because we were starving..... and this is where a wonderful thing happened. We were sitting in line at the drive through and there was a motor bike in front at the MacDonalds service window picking up their order. As they drove away they dropped all of their food and it spilled all over the road. We realized that this was the Demon that had been haunting us for 3 days and it couldn't hang on us any more because our energy levels were too high. The Demon was now driving off on a motor bike with those poor fuckers. We celebrated with a Ceasers salad and an ice cream and drove off really quickly so the Demon wouldn't know where we were. Thanks to Peter and all of his wonderful friends, we were safe from the Demons and looking forward to a whole new Internet connection. Thank you Peter and thank you also to Mitsch Schulz the human camera for the wonderful pieces of artwork. www.mitschschulz.de I hope you will come to the Charity weekend and hang out with us. I deeply appreciate all the support you have given me over the years and I really look forward to our next meeting. A full on German Jacuzzi!
September 20th 2006: Uli Theurer's House, Nagold, Germany: There is no doubt that the Germans are an intelligent and efficient bunch of people. Over the centuries, the German psyche has been responsible for many of the worlds most brilliant inventions. German technology is arguably the worlds best and their football team isn't bad either. Beethoven, Mozart, Einstein, Amelia Erhart, Bach, Eckhart Tolle, The Zeppelin, Mercedes cars, Frankfurters and the list goes on. With that said, can someone please explain to me why a country that has produced some of the finest minds over the last five centuries, cannot build a road system that doesn't have a massive traffic jam every 4 miles? Germany should be re named "Das parking Lot'. No speed limit on the Autobahn my ass! The last time I checked my speed on the Autobahn it said 3 miles per hour! Traveling six hours from Amsterdam to Nagold is bad enough but when it takes nine hours you know there's something wrong. Come on Germany, figure it out! Anyway, we arrived at our hotel really late and it looked like something out of a Rumanian film from the 20's. I expected to meet Dracula in the lobby! I'm traveling with Erica as Steve is on holiday until the UK dates and we were both exhausted and stressed out. Like a good trooper, I was trying to shake off all the weird energy that I had created with the traffic situation but I was finding it really, really difficult. I thought of birds and landscapes and kindness and happy things but the Demon would not leave. I only had time to brush my teeth before we were out the door again. If there's one thing I know about being stressed out and angry is that it creates more situations to get stressed out and angry. So..... another traffic jam and more stress on the way to Uli's house. We arrived at Uli's house and we were greeted by a 6' 4 inch muscular German guy in a striped top. He looked like he was in the German Navy. He greeted us in a very friendly manner ( I think the people from Southern Germany are supposed to be friendlier than in the North?) and showed me to my warm up room. It was a really cool house, very Swedish. Uli told me he was nervous about the evening because his guests don't know who or what I am! I told him not to worry, I once played in front of 3000 Japanese and they thought I was Cliff Richard. I can always tell what sort of audience I'm dealing with when I walk into the room. Uli's guests were 75% male, probably hard rock fans and they all insisted on standing at the back so I knew I had my work cut out. I'm sure they were expecting me to go into a version of Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" or some obscure ballad by the Scorpions. It was the traffic energy Demon catching up with me again. It was a huge living room so I tried to get them to come down to the front but they resisted. The traffic, the fucking traffic jam Demons were all over me. After about 2 songs I started to loosen up and so obviously the guests all loosened up! From that point onwards we actually had a great night. It took me a little while to get my energy levels moving but it just so happened that Uli's guests were a real friendly bunch and were actually a whole lotta fun. My stress disappeared and the fairies came out. I even got Uli's guests to sing along to a few songs which is a miracle considering they had never heard any of my songs before tonight. At the end of the evening the traffic jams had disappeared from my brain, I was calm, collect and full of peace! We hung out for half and hour and then we said our goodbyes....... before stopping at the nearest service station and stuffing ourselves with German chocolate. I would like to thank Uli for inviting me into his home and helping get rid of my low energy and also to all the guests who came along and made my 9 hour trip from Amsterdam to Nagold worthwhile. Uli, I hope you can make it to the CKDCF fundraising weekend, there are loads of other people coming from all over the world so you will make a lot of new friends. And after a night like tonight, consider me one of them! Thank you, thank you , thank you.
September 20th 2006: Ron Rovekamp's House, Amsterdam: I was secretly dreading yesterday and today! The stress of leaving home again, Airplane rides from NYC to London, Taxis, Baggage, more Taxi rides, more Airplanes from Luton to Amsterdam, check in, get off, check out, check up, hotels, rental cars, standing in line, bad food, more hotels and then after all that.......... Ron Rovekamp's house! I arrived at Ron's house after a quick shower at the hotel and surprisingly I was greeted at the doorway by my old friend from Vermont, Akkerman Neilson (which means 'man of the fields) and of course by our host for the night Ron Rovekamp. I recognized Ron straight away because he has supported my work for a long time and I have seen him at at a few of the Dutch gigs that played in Amsterdam over the last few years. Ron is an exceptionally nice man and I felt extremely comfortable in his presence from the minute I met him. Ron's house is also a very cool place to hang out and I was led to his daughters room to warm up. It was interesting to note that she had pictures of the Gangsta Rap Artist '50 Cent' plastered all over her wall. The guys muscles are unbelievable and it instantly made me feel my age. I quickly changed my name to '70 Cent' so I could look down on the posing little 50 Cent bastard..... just kidding! I heard Ron introducing me to his guests so I walked down the stairs and immediately noticed a statue of a vulture which looked uncannily like Dick Advocaat (ex Rangers manager). Also, as usual, there was a real live Scottish blue nose in the house and he gave me a CD of his band to listen to (all the Rangers guys give me CD's) which I played today on the way to Germany. Very cool guys, I liked the song 'Tribute' the best and the guitar work was great throughout. Keep up the good work! The concert went very smoothly and the guests were sober, attentive and really cool. I had a bit of trouble remembering all the dialogue for the mid life crisis tour because I hadn't performed that particular show for three weeks and as everyone who has been to a house concert knows, there's an awful lot of talking! And while we are on the subject of talking, I would like to take a minute to talk about Ron's girlfriend. I actually didn't get introduced to her but she introduced herself to me during the show. There is a point at the end of show where I use the FACT that apple seeds grow into apple trees as a way of explaining a philosophical concept that is that is very difficult to explain. For some weird reason Ron's girlfriend took a particular dislike to this concept and insisted that apple seeds grow into other things. She said I couldn't prove that apple seeds grow only into apple trees and they may grow into other types of trees. She said I couldn't prove it and of course she is correct. I would just like to say one thing to Ron's girlfriend. "Honey, whatever school you attended as a child, please let me know so that I don't send my kids there" Ron requested 'Sunflowers' which was very cool and appropriate as Ron had been so kind as to decorate his entire room with Sunflowers (and the vulture statue of Dick Advocate). From the Sunflowers to the guests, Ron got the house concert exactly right. I couldn't have asked for a better venue....... or a nicer guy. Given the amount of stress involved, the day went amazingly well and Ron's house was no exception. Ron, you're a good man and I appreciate you inviting me into your home. I appreciate the guests you invited and I appreciate all your kind hospitality. I would just like to give you one little bit of advise if I may? The next time you eat an apple please make sure that you save the seeds because who knows what they fuck they might grow into? You might wake up one morning and find yourself with a new fish. God bless Ron and thank you, thank you, thank you. August 18th 2006: Maassluis, House Concert: I don't know what it is about Holland but every single time I go there I always get an incredibly nasty Flu. This was my first House Concert in Europe and I really didn't know what to expect. Just like everyone else in the world, I always manifest my anxiety as an illness and on this particular day I was extremely ill with a voice that sounded like a cross between 'hens on a hot day' and one of those medium sized dinosaur from Jurassic Park. I was resolved to canceling this Concer but I thought of Marco and Eveleine (the hosts) and all the hard work they had put in and I just got on with it. If they can accept the snot, sweat, blood shot eyes and my voice not being too good then I will do the best I can. Our best friend on the tour is the Tomtom navigation system (we refer to 'him' as Tom even though it has a woman's voice) that I bought just before the tour started. You really cannot perform a House Concert Tour without Tom, he is vital to the success of the tour and takes away all the stress of driving. We followed Tom through Dutch housing estates, past the windmills and over the flat lands and we eventually arrived at Marco and Eveline's house. Marco came out to meet me and greeted me warmly at the car with an 'Ajax football club' scarf and told me I had to become and Ajax supporter. (Marco, I have my Ajax scarf proudly displayed in my house although your friends told me that I am a feyenoord fan!!!) He led me upstairs to my warm up room and I sat down on the chair and thought I was going to die. I really felt incredibly bad. I snorted a full bottle of nasal spray and walked downstairs to perform the House concert. I cannot remember much about the concert because I was in a complete daze. I was light headed and sweating and absolutely full of snot. I can remember that the guests were absolutely terrific and Marco and Eveline were incredibly nice to me...... given that I sounded like a chicken. I just wished my voice had been better so I could perform to my best ability but under the circumstances I did the best I could. After the concert was finished I was extremely relieved and I had a fantastic time talking to all the guests who were incredibly polite and charming. I would like to thank Marco and Eveline for inviting me into their home and taking good care of me, you were both very kind. I am sorry if I didn't sound too good and I'm also sorry if any of you guys caught that stinking Flu. I want to thank you for making my first European House Concert a positive experience and I appreciate the work you guys put in to make the evening a success. You provided a perfect setting for a House Concert and your guests were all polite and extremely supportive. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
August 16th 2006: Southampton House Concert: My best friend Stephen Harris is a Cancerian, born on July 1st and even though I have known him for years I still get a laugh at the two completely different personalities that he presents to the world. In an every day sense Stephen Harris is an extremely sensitive, shy, moody, reclusive type of bloke (listen to his solo album 'Songs from the Mission of Hope') and yet in true Cancerian fashion he often pretends he's a strong, confident, humorous, brash personality ( Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction) ......... to cover up the fact that he is an extremely sensitive, shy, moody, reclusive type of bloke! Yep, you've guessed it folks, tonight's host Ian is a Cancerian and just like Stephen Harris..... and Mike Tyson...... and 50 Cent ........ and Cyndy Lauper ........ and Jessica Simpson he's throwing everyone off the scent. Steve Rowe and I arrived at the house a little late due to some weird Southampton traffic problems when all of a sudden we came across a house with a huge 10 foot green guitar logo (stolen from my website) stuck on the front. It was actually pretty cool looking and as we pulled into the driveway we were greeted warmly by Ian who was doing his 'I'm confident and fully in control' Cancerian double act. I immediately thought of my best friend Stephen and smiled to myself. Ian was extremely tanned and looked like he had just come back from Africa. Actually, he was so tanned that he looked like he was from Africa and was on holiday in Southampton. He greeted me like he was going to sell me a car but was too sensitive to rip me off. The first thing that hit me when I walked into this house is how tasteful and elegant some of the decor was. I thought "someone in here is a decorator or interior designer" and then I realized that Ian is a Cancerian. If you read any Astrological description of a Cancerian it will more than likely describe how Cancerians love to be at home. They put all their energy into their home and they build their castles to be secure, safe havens where they can hide from the outside world. Every now and then when Cancerians are forced to deal with the general public, they suit up in their protective armor, namely a brash and confident personality and venture forth into the sea of emotional confrontations that they would prefer to avoid. I asked Ian what he did for a living and he told me he was a builder! Perfect! Ian and Vanessa's house is actually a very cool place to live, very comfortable with a friendly atmosphere........ a bit like Ian and Vanessa really. During my warm up in the bedroom I could hear everyone downstairs laughing like crazy and I could hear Ian entertaining the guests and obviously being very humorous...... which is another Cancerian way of throwing everyone off the scent. Cancerians can be very funny and they often develop into brilliant actors due to the fact that they learn to hide their secret sensitivity very early in life as a defense mechanism. The dual life of a Cancerian is something to behold. Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise or Harrison Ford are all Cancerians. I was laughing to myself all night watching Ian remind me of Stephen Harris. Just like I sensed when I arrived, the concert turned out to be fantastic and I had a really great time. Everyone was on form and Ian and Vanessa provided the perfect environment for a House Concert. It was actually very interesting to know that the previous nights host 'Craig' (the guy from the hotel) was back for more and he and his friends ( I learned this after the concert) pissed everyone off by singing along loudly to every one of my songs. Everyone said they thought it was Craig and his friends House Concert with me singing along!!!! Unlike last night, Craig was in full swing and he was hugging me and throwing shapes in the front room, he tried to kiss me a couple of times and ..... I'm just kidding Craig! At the end of the night Ian introduced me to his extremely tanned wife Vanessa who also looked like she was on a visit from the Congo. Vanessa actually looks too young to be married, she looks about 13 years old. Infact come to think of it, Ian only looks about 17 himself. Unless they put something in my coffee? This was an extremely enjoyable evening which along with last nights Hotel extravaganza, brought me to peace with Southampton. I will no longer remember Southampton as a place of Mick Channon and drunken assholes but more like...... a refugee camp for African builders with taste. Ian and Vanessa, thank you so much for inviting
me into your home, I had a really great time and I appreciate your
warm and kind hospitality. I would like to sincerely thank all the
guests who came along and took part in the evening and also to Craig
and his friends who provided lead vocals for the evening. A exceptional
night in the Jacuzzi with Ian's Cancerian defense system and his
African wife. August 15th 2006: Southampton: I am always a little nervous when I go to Southampton with my guitar because I once played at a club called 'The Brook' and I had a very horrible experience with some drunken asshole in the audience. On top of that, Kate (who books the House Concerts) said that tonight's hosts had a problem with their neighbor's and so they wanted to know if they could move the House Concert from their house to a Hotel. For some reason I automatically presumed they meant a Hotel room (which sounded pretty interesting and new) and since I have never in my life played a concert in a Hotel room before, I decided to go ahead and do it. The Hotel was located in a very quiet little village called Locks Heath which was close to Southampton. The Hotel is the type of place you could have a great night of sado masochism and cocaine snorting whilst cheating on your wife. It's the type of place the working class wished they frequented but in reality they only visit for weddings and wife cheating sessions. No one you know would ever go there. It was quite picturesque but very lonely. I was greeted with a grunt and a cold shoulder from our Host Craig who said he doesn't give anyone hugs and so we were off to a good start!!!!!! Craig led me to a cupboard in between the toilet and the corridor that stunk of piss and told Steve this is where I should warm up. I asked if it was possible to have a Hotel room to warm up in and he very kindly accommodated my request. Then Craig delivers the final blow. He tells me that it isn't a Hotel Room but it's actually in a conference room. I walked into the room and it looked like a marketing conference for people who cheat on their wives. I imagined that they only came to the venue to use me as an excuse so they could all go back to their hotel rooms after I had finished and spank each other with the telephone directory. Jesus Christ, I was playing in the Hotel that Alan Partridge lives at! Thankfully, the people at the gig were fantastic and after a few minutes I settled down and had a great time. Half way through the night Craig actually stood up and gave me a hug on-stage but I told him to keep his cocaine and his telephone directory to himself!!! I actually enjoyed the 'surrealness' (that is definitely not a word) of the evening. It is definitely not something I would do again (play in a Hotel) but I have to admit that I had a great connection with all the people present. All in all we had a great night and it was a very interesting experience for me. I would like to thank Craig for inviting me into his .... erm ..... Hotel and I would also like to thank all the people who showed up to spank their secret lovers with a telephone directory. As Bananarama once said..... It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it!
August 14th 2006: Newport, Wales: There was something about tonight's hosts Simon and Sharon that I immediately warmed to. They are the type of people I could go on holiday with. Simon is a Scorpio so I can relate to his hidden emotional sensitivity and Sharon is an Aries so I loved her vibe. Their attention to detail was really touching and I got to feel really special by the way they welcomed me to the house. I felt like I was at my Sisters house. I could have just as easily gone to bed for the night instead of going home, it was that comfortable. It is difficult to write about the evening because everything went incredibly well. There were no assholes, no one was drunk, everyone was emotionally present and there were even two Jews! If I had to pick I would say that I think this was probably my most enjoyable House Concert so far. I think life sometimes puts us in the right place at the right time and on this particular instance I just so happened to be having a great day. My voice was strong, the weather was nice, I wasn't tired and the hosts were genius. I would like to sincerely thank
Simon and Sharon for the incredible welcome and also to all their
wonderful guests for making it a special evening. I deeply appreciate
your kindness and warmth............ and if you ever want to go
to Barbados for two weeks.....
August 13th 2006: Risca, Wales: The Welsh have a wonderful tradition with their old arch enemy the English....... they fucking hate them!!!! Thankfully this was not one of those nights when the Welsh decided to lynch the nearest Boyo from across the river. In fact it was quite the opposite as I received one of the friendliest receptions on the whole tour. Apart from the fact that Andy (Our Host) didn't want to hug me when I got there because he thought I was Gay, I had a really great night. His wife didn't trust me with Andy either because I was wearing a leather harness, bottomless leather shorts and a George Michael t shirt. I couldn't understand why they were being so paranoid? Risca is a tiny little village type place in the outback of South Wales full of Rugby Union players and middle age men who look like Leighton Rees. It actually reminded me a bit of Gully Flatts because there are loads of middle aged men in Gully Flatts who also look like Leighton Rees...... I'm one of them. (For all the Americans, Leighton Rees was a huge beer drinking Welshman who was good at darts in the eighties, a bit like Simon Le Bonn) I have always been treated with the utmost respect when I have visited Wales in the past and tonight was no exception. The vibe was incredible, the Hosts were fantastic and the guests were extremely friendly and attentive. A really great house full of fantastic people. I realize that many people think that I only say these things to be polite. I assure you, if they were a bunch of assholes you would know about it. The fact is that nearly all of the hosts on the House Concert Tour have been absolutely amazing. They have all become my lifelong friends. Andy and his family will always have a place in my life whenever they want. They extended themselves to me and I want them to know that I appreciate it. I would like to thank Andy and his wife for all the great vibes and especially for the gifts and the packets of coffee that they gave me to take home. Also, let me thank all the guests who came along and took part in the evening from start to finish. I feel truly blessed to be able to visit peoples homes when we have nights like this. A genius night. I have one last thing to say regarding my leather harness. Andy, if you ever need a dancer and a backing singer (like the guy from Frankie Goes To Hollywood) please don't hesitate to give me a shout..... baby!
August 12th 2006: Ipswich: This was the first co - host on the tour. Originally it was meant to be hosted by a young chap called David Baalham but then David got a phone call from a girl in Sweden who really wanted to come and host the show with him so David put two and two together and went for it........ I don't know if he went for it in that way you filthy minded bastards, I mean he went for the House Concert co - host thing!!! I freely admit that Ipswich isn't normally on my tour schedule but when I am touring House Concerts I specifically try to visit all those areas that I don't normally go. I really didn't know what to expect. What do I know about Ipswich? I can remember Paul Mariner ( a fantastic soccer player who looked like an Afgan hound with short hair from the 80's) I remember Portman Road, Bobby Robson and that's about it. Ipswich a bit like Norwich in the sense that no one knows what its for. We arrived quite late due to some ...... actually I can't remember why, I just know we were late. We pulled up outside and everyone was in the garden chilling out. Whatever these people had been doing or drinking or smoking they had created a great atmosphere. I remember thinking something special was going to happen..... and it certainly did. This was top 3. Genius vibe in the house. I can't say we have had any weird nights for a long tme, in fact we have had consistant great nights for nearly all the tour. I don't know what makes these other ones stand out but Davids house was rockin!!! My sister turned up at the gig with my neice Charlie and my Rangers supporter friend Ben and his family were there also. Everything was superb and I had an absolute blast. I would like to thank David and the Swedish Au pair for hosting an absolute corker. the Swedish Au pair was a Taurus and I recognised her Taurean contribution. The sweets, the Swedish football top and the great vibes. This was a very cool evening. Thank you to everyone involved for brightening up my life for a few hours. This may even be the one to beat. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
August 11th 2006: Peterborough 2: The first thing I noticed when I arrived was that Richard, our host for the evening was a football fan.... in fact he was a Sunderland fan. He gave me a signed Sunderland shirt with Kevin Phillips autograph on it and said we could auction it for the CKDCF charity. That's exactly how Richard is. He is a very kind and charming man. I like Richard, he's my type of guy. A good egg! A good, solid Geordie Lad! His wife Lorraine was exceptionally charming and friendly so we all got off to a great start. A lot of Richards guests were military people, RAF I think. They were brought along on the promise that they would like my music. I think initially they were a bit wary of me and they stood back a little. I can't really blame them. They had been taught for years to recognize the enemy, engage him and then take him out. As a six foot five Catholic dressed in a Celtic top in a room full of Protestants I think I made a pretty good target. I don't think the Military or the Church of England encourages people to talk about their feelings so it was no surprise to find them a little guarded. Don't get me wrong, these people weren't mean or anything, in fact after about 45 minutes they were singing along and having a blast just like a bunch of Catholics and Jews. They just took a little time to warm to me I think. We did finally end up in the Jacuzzi once Richards friend Dave admitted that he liked to go naked in front of all his friends. From then on it was all plain sailing. Dave led us all into the jacuzzi and we had a blast.... there was lots of weird stuff floating on the water. The night ended up a fantastic success and Richard, Lorraine and all their guests made it a warm and friendly atmosphere. It seems like all the hosts have discovered what makes a great night because as the tour goes on Steve and I are discovering that there aren't any weird vibes or drunks anymore. (I shouldn't have said that. I will probably turn up at Southampton tonight and it will be full of drunks, drug addicts and assholes) I want to sincerely thank Richard, Lorraine and all their wonderful guests for making me feel welcome in their house. I deeply appreciate your wonderful hospitality and warmth. A tremendous night and one I will never forget. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
August 10th 2006: Peterborough 1: Full Taurus jacuzzi. The people of Peterborough were kind, warm, friendly, healthy and Protestant. This story to be continued in 5 hours...... August 11th - Sorry about the delay guys, we had to leave for Wales a little earlier than usual and it was impossible to finish the piece. Anyway, back to Peterborough. Fantastic vibe, great hosts, genius food (Tina is a Taurus) and a house full of wonderful guests..... what more can a big fat Catholic wish for! Actually we could have done with a few more Catholics and Jews but thats ok. There haven't been any Jews on this tour. In the USA at least 40% of my audience is Jewish. Jews love coming to my concerts because I talk about Jews all the time but it seems that there aren't many Jewish people in the UK. This was one of those nights where everything went so smoothly that there is not too much to write about apart from the fact that Chris and Tina created such an excellent vibe. It's almost easier to write things when there are a couple of assholes in the room. Unfortunately, assholes were hard to find on this night!!!!! (no pun intended) Everything was perfectly taken care of and I loved my time hanging out with everyone at the end, they were an extremly friendly bunch. Peterborough is a town I will remember fondly, both Steve Rowe and I were buzzing when we left..... and he's a right miserable bastard! I would like to thank Chris, Tina and everyone in the room who showed up and had a blast. An absolutely fantastic, flawless night. Chris and Tina absolutely nailed it in one! Thank you, thank you thank you.
August 9th 2006: Melbourne: We pulled up outside the house and were greeted by a six foot four skinhead who looked like John Hartson. He opened my car door, looked me right in the eye and said with a broad Yorkshire accent " Hello, you must be Steve". I looked at him somewhat confused and then realizing what he had said I burst out laughing. This was our Host Paul, a wonderful man who like me, secretly struggles with his own sensitivity and like me, flits between a tremendously forceful front end personality and a deep sensitivity that often puts us both at the mercy of an often insensitive world. I like Paul .......... a lot. The house was once again a perfect setting for a House Concert and Paul's guests were absolutely fantastic. Every single person in the room took part and gave themselves fully to the evening. I was comfortable from the first song. The evening light gradually sank into darkness as the night drew to an end. A perfect ending to a perfect night. After the concert Paul told me that he played in a band. He has an amazing business called something like "70's Rock weddings". This is where you can book Paul and his band members for your Wedding and they dress up in glam and play all the fantastic songs from the Seventies. I absolutely love this idea. Paul, you guys are booked for my Wedding!!!!!! Paul then asked me if I wanted to humiliate myself and put on their Glam Rock wigs so they could take photos of me and put them on the web. I kindly declined saying that I had humiliated myself enough throughout the years! I would like to thank Paul for a fantastic evening of fun and frolics and also Paul's wife for putting the whole thing together. (It's actually amazing the amount of guys who leave their wife off the e mail contact on my web site when it is actually the wives who are doing a lot of the work!) I would also like to thank all the fantastic guests who came and gave themselves to the evening. One last thing I would like to add is that paul told me he didn't follow any football team. Paul, you are now an official Glasgow Celtic fan. I cannot leave you to the Rangers fans, it would ruin your life if they ever got a hold of you. Rosery beads and guilt are in the mail. Another great night with a great bunch of friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
August 8th 2006: Daventry: Thatched Cottages, Black Cats, Large Bonfires with signs reading "put you Catholics here", Witches, Black Magic, Satanists......... they have it all here in Daventry. David and Mandi's house was smack in the middle of one of those weird little English Villages where Steve Hillage probably lives. You could imagine Robin Hood walking around with a giant cod - piece (actually, David the host had one on!) dressed in green and dying for a fair maid. The journey to Daventry was littered with history, we even went passed Matt Pegg's house! I have to apologize to David and Mandi because the video footage got messed up in the camera so there is no video of Daventry. I'm really sorry guys. The House Concert was definitely one of the best ones. The standard of Hosts we have had recently is tremendous and each Concert is exceptionally positive and happy. This was an absolute corker. David and Mandi did it right. The guests were supportive and participated in the evening with a great spirit and I definitely felt the warmth and support from everyone present. When I arrived and saw who David and Mandi were, I realized that I had a long history with these people. I had seen them at my concerts for years. It was great to finally come to their house and hang out with them for a couple of hours. I want to thank David and Mandi for all their support throughout my career and especially for making August 7th 2006 a very special night for me. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
August 6th 2006: Stoke on Trent: This was a really special night for me. I wont go into detail about the circumstances surrounding this event but I will say that I am really honored and privileged to have played in Marks front room. I'm so glad I got to be a part of his process. As a host Mark was one of the best. He sat at the front and respectfully sang along with me all night long. He was incredibly friendly under difficult circumstances. Mark, I hope everything turns out alright for you my friend. I send you all my love and support and I thank you for inviting me into your home. I think we all had a wonderful night. I hope I could bring a little lightness into your day. A tremendous night and a tremendously brave and resilient Host. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
August 5th 2006: Lincoln: Wow, what a night! Lincoln is definitely close to the top of the pile. Was it the Celtic towel? or the Celtic coasters in my warm up room? or maybe it was the great coffee? or the attention to detail? the great food? or maybe it was just because I felt welcomed and respected by the Hosts and their guests. Probably a little of each. The more I do these things the more I realize how incredibly vital the Hosts are for a successful evening. In fact I would go so far as to say that the Hosts are far more responsible for a great evening than I am. Sure, I'm the one doing the singing but in all honesty it isn't the singing that makes a great House Concert. The single biggest factor to a successful House concert is the amount of warmth that the hosts and their guests can create for THEMSELVES. I'm just an excuse for us all to be there but the real work is done by the hosts before I arrive and during the evening. The Hosts are my only protection from the drunks, the smart asses and the mean spirited because we are arriving at each household blind. I know we've had a couple of weird nights so far on this tour. I would love to bring those Hosts to a concert like this to see what I'm talking about. I would like to say "Look, this is how it's done". It's not easy for me to walk into peoples homes in front of a room full of strangers and talk intimately about my life, I need to feel like I'm among friends otherwise I start to clam up...... it's unbelievably disturbing for me when it doesn't go well. I am saddened to my core when these concerts don't turn out like I know they can because it's such a great night for everyone when they do go right. The House Concert in Lincoln definitely went right. From the moment we arrived until we pulled out of the drive way, Jonathan, Kate and all their guests made me feel welcome, they compelled me to sing as well as I could. I had a fantastic time and it was because everyone who attended the evening, showed up in a friendly and welcoming capacity. They took part in the evening. They were there for the right reasons. Thank you Jonathan, thank you Kate and thank you to all the people in that front room in Lincoln. Brilliant stuff!
August 3rd 2006: Halifax: And on the third day God created .......... Halifax. What a great place Halifax is or maybe I should say what a great house. Andy (our host for the evening) created a superb environment for a House Concert and his guests were absolutely brilliant. I had so much fun. Great energy. Throughout the night there were two massive rugby players in the room, one was an Aries and he was sitting on the couch and the other guy (sorry, I have met so many people over the past few weeks I am forever forgetting names) was standing up behind the couch. I thought they were going to beat the shit out of me. Then I saw them singing along to my songs and I thought " This is fantastic, I could take these two guys around to the house concerts with me to beat the shit out of all the drunks who give me a hard time". They were actually the nicest guys although I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of either of them. They were incredibly polite and supportive and they both came up to me after the concert and thanked me for the evening. I love that. Two massive rugby players who could beat the shit out of anyone and they both sat and listened to me talking about emotional sensitivity and feelings. Brilliant. Anyway, the night was a tremendous success and I even wrote a song for Halifax that you can listen to on the video clip below. I am going to submit it to the Halifax tourist board in the hope that they will adopt it as their theme tune for the year. I think it would help to attract tourists to Halifax. See what you think. I would like to thank Andy for all his fantastic warmth and support. Good luck with your move Andy,your move symbolizes a new time and a new personality for you. I would also like to thank the great people of Halifax for being fantastic sports and making my time in Halifax a memorable one. and last but not least, I would like to thank the two massive rugby players for showing a sensitive side to themselves and confirming the myth that there are actually real men out there in the world. Anyone searching for a real man, Halifax has at least three!
August 2nd 2006: Mansfield: I suppose in many ways the houses we visit are very representative of the people who own them and our host Steve was a very friendly guy. As soon as we pulled up outside the house I knew it was going to be a great night by the welcome we received. A Taurus, a gentleman and a good, solid bloke, Steve made sure the evening was a fantastic success with his politeness and all around kindness! The host makes a huge difference to the house concert experience because they completely dictate the vibe of the evening by their preparation and personality. Steve created a wonderful setting for a House concert and brought along people who were there to take part in the evening. The House concerts are very different than normal concerts because they require an emotional commitment from everyone in the room. The audience is vital to the success of the evening because if they choose to sit back and keep their energy to themselves the evening is a disaster waiting to happen. Luckily, the good people of Mansfield were anything but 'stand offish' and they came fully committed to the evening. I had an absolute blast. Apart from the warmth and support, the best thing about Steve's house was the table football he had in the back room. I played table football for the first time in 25 years and I was still 'The Man'. Celtic beat Mansfield Town 10 - 4! I will remember Mansfield with great fondness due the warm welcome I received. We were in the Jacuzzi from the first 3 seconds of the evening. I would like to thank Steve and his family for taking good care of us and making us feel really welcome in their house. I would also like to thank all of Steve's wonderful guests who were great sports throughout the evening. An absolutely brilliant night with a bunch a great friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
June 30th 2006: Blanefield, Scotland: The first thing I noticed on the way to this House was that there were loads of people and kids in the streets with Rangers tops on and I was sitting in the car with my Celtic top on. It was like that scene from the Bruce Willis film where he had to go into Harlem with a sign around his neck that said "Nigger" in big letters. The kids were looking at me like I was insane. I don't think they had seen a Celtic top in those parts before. I arrived at Gregor's house and I was greeted in an extremely friendly manner and I felt comfortable right away. I could tell it was going to be a great night simply by the greeting. Now the one thing about Gregor that I should tell you is that he has loads of cash. Gregor looks like his face should be on a five pound note. This guy has more cash than me and I'm loaded! The house was amazing, it was huge and very tastefully decorated and when Gregor told me he was a Celtic fan and a Catholic I almost had a seizure. I hadn't seen a Catholic with this much money since (last night) I slept with one of the Kennedys in Boston! Just kidding! The night was fantastic and everyone was extremely present and respectful. Everyone was saying how much they supported Raith Rovers (Rangers) and Partick Thistle (Rangers) and they sang and laughed and were a great bunch of people from start to finish. I had a fantastic time.
One of the best bits of the evening was talking to all the Rangers fans after the gig. I really do get an amazing amount of Rangers fans at my concerts. I think there is something deep within them that wants to make peace with themselves and they use me as an opportunity to 'hug a Catholic'. They told me that when I first started wearing a Celtic top they all called each other and said "Oh no, the bastard is a Celtic fan, how can we like him now?". Well, I just want to let them know that I had a great time talking to them and that Rangers fans always have been and always will be welcome at my concerts any time they want. I also listened to the music they gave me and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Really cool stuff. I would like to thank Gregor and all his family (even his son who doesn't like Chocolate Heart!) for hosting a House concert in an extremely appropriate manner and I would like to sincerely thank all the people who were extremely respectful and made me feel welcome during my time there. An absolutely fantastic night with a fantastic bunch of friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
June 29th 2006: Glasgow, Scotland: First things first! Paul (our Host for the evening) turned out to be a TV celebrity from the show "Still Game" (I'm sorry I haven't seen it Paul, I live in the USA but we watched the DVD and it was great. Very funny) and he got me executive tickets to go to Celtic Park for the opening day of the season so as far as I'm concerned, I don't care if there were horses shitting in his front room singing Rangers songs, this guy is a gem. Paul, I want to thank you for your generosity, I really, really appreciate it. I had a fantastic time and the fact that Celtic beat Kilmarnock 4 - 1 means that I still haven't attended a Celtic game where they have been beaten. The House Concert was perfect and Paul and his wife Yvonne made sure that the evening was a tremendous success for all involved. When the hosts put a little care and energy into the evening it is always a great night and these two people made everyone's evening extremely enjoyable. Everyone came to the show, no one was drunk, everyone took part and everyone was in great spirits. Everything about the evening was absolutely fantastic and the Jacuzzi was full to the brim. The energy in the room was very friendly and my visit to Glasgow couldn't have been better. I want to thank Paul and Yvonne for taking care of me so well and I would really like to thank all of the people who showed up emotionally and took part in our evening together. A very special evening with some very special people. thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!! By the way Paul, your new house is Killer!!!!! Just let your Leo wife do the decorating and you will have nothing to worry about!!!!!!
July 28th 2006: Derry, Northern Ireland: It started out with a 5.00 am alarm call in Wales. We drove to the ferry in Hollyhead. We had a 2 hour ferry crosing to Dublin. We drove 3 hours North to Belfast and checked into the hotel. We drove 2 hours West to Derry in the pouring rain and arrived at Feargals house and quite honestly it was worth every single minute of the drive. What a fantastic night! Everyone in the room was extremely friendly and polite, we were welcomed in a way that only the Irish know how. I would like to thank Feargal for all the gifts and for hosting such a fantastic evening. I would also like to thank all of Feargals guests who came along and took part in the evening. An absolutely brilliant night and one I will never forget. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!
July 27th 2006: Chorley: (Sorry for not updating sooner, I couldn't find an internet connection). Wow, another absolutley fantastic night in Chorley. Things are a little easier now that we are getting into our stride. My friend told me to touch all the audience members before I started in order to break the ice and I must say that it has worked a treat so far. I was really happy with everything. Tony the host was an absolute gentleman (and model Aquarian) and he provided the perfect environment for a house concert. Everyone in the room interacted throughout and everyone was emotionally present for the evening. I felt so relaxed that I took off my shoes until someone tried to steal them and sell them on ebay! I think they would work well as a cockroach killer, you can actually find them listed today on ebay under "vermin and insects". I would like to thank Tony for the fantastic evening and I would sincerely like to thank every single person in the room. I had a tremendous evening and I still managed to get home with my shoes. Great night, great vibe, great people and great coffee.
July 26th 2006: Clitheroe : There is a religion called Taoism. Tao simply means "the way," and practicing Taoism is a way to get yourself into the natural flow of things. They say that when you are in the Tao, in the flow of life, everything happens naturally and easily. Last night in Clitheroe I was in the Tao! From the moment I arrived until I left the house everyone and everything was effortless and extremely easy. All the guests were absolutely fantastic, I could feel everyone in the room and everyone was present. We all had a two hour Jacuzzi and then everyone ate and drank as much as they wanted. It was a really special evening. The hosts Mike and Diane did it right! I realize that you cannot have evenings like this every night but Mike and Diane's preparation went a long way in ensuring that the house Concert was a huge success. They did everything that we recommended in our guidelines and the whole night was a reflection of their attention to detail. I would sincerely like to thank the Hosts Mike and Diane, all the guests who showed up with great energy and Manchester United fan James who sat at the front knowing that Man Utd were beating Celtic 3 - 0 and didn't say a thing. This House concert is definitely the one to beat. Mike and Diane's House Concert was Chelsea FC, Phil Taylor, Lance Armstrong, St Helens Rugby League Club, The New York Yankees. A great night with a great bunch of people. Thank you, thank you, thank you! |
